Jokes

Did you know that the most commonly used sexual position in the world is doggy style? You know, the one where the man sits up and begs and the women rolls over and plays dead.

My favourite position is 'The Buckaroo'. The man is on top. Holding her hair with one hand, you should lean over and whisper into your girls ear, the name of an ex-girlfriend....then hang on for dear life and see how long you last before being kicked off! Shouting 'Yeeehaaaa' is optional.

Borrow money from pessimists. They never expect it back.

My grandma has " Furniture Disease" : that's when your chest falls into your drawers.

A blonde is at home with her boyfriend. There's nothing on the TV so the blonde says: "What say we play a game of Hide and Seek?. I'll hide, and if you find me I'll give you a blow-job."
"Ok" says the boyfriend. "But what if I don't find you?"
The blonde replies: "I'll be in the airing cupboard."

I hate sex in the movies. I tried it once, but the seat folded up, the drink spilled over my jeans, and the ice went down her blouse.

Q: What do you call a one-man quickie?
A: A yankee.

Q: What do you call a bunch of women hanging around prostitutes?
A: Support hos.

Q: What do you call a prostitute's children?

A: Brothel sprouts.


It was the night of prom, and Sally didn't have a date. Her brother felt sorry for her and decided to help. He offered to take her. She was reluctant, but finally gave in. At the dance, they just sat there. Her brother offered to dance. She was reluctant, but finally gave in. After the dance, her brother took her to Makeout Mountain. She was reluctant, but finally gave in. It got hot and heavy, and they ended up having sex. Afterwards, she turned to her brother and said 'Man, you're better than Dad!'
"Yeah, that's what Mom says, too!"

An ant has a one-night stand with an elephant. When the ant wakes up the next morning he finds the elephant lying dead at his side, from a heart attack. "Great" says the ant. "One night of romance and now a whole lifetime digging a grave."

What's the difference between CS gas, an onion and a two foot dick?
Nothing: they all make your eyes water.

A woman goes to her doctor for a check-up. The doctor asks her to strip off, do a handstand and open her legs. The woman is mystified by this, but carries out his instructions.

The woman is mystified even more when the doctor props his chin between her legs and stares into the mirror.
"What exactly are you doing?" the woman asks.
"Oh, nothing, replies the doctor. "I just wondered what I'd look like with a goatee.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.


Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you."

The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.

The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."

The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"

A country vicar climbs into his pulpit and is disappointed to see that there is only one person in the congregation: an old farmer.
The vicar sighs and asks the farmer if he'd mind if the service was cancelled.

"Of course I'd mind" he replied. "If I go out to my hens with a bucket of grain and only one chicken turns up, I don't let that chicken go away hungry do I?"

The vicar is moved by this and decides to deliver the best sermon he can for the farmer. The vicar cuts no corners, and after a forty-five minute sermon, three readings and five hymns, the vicar goes to greet the farmer as he leaves church.

"And what did you think of the service? asks the vicar.
The farmer gives him a dirty look and replies:
"Vicar, when only one chicken turns up for its feed. I don't give it the whole bleeding bucket!"

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

Frazier and Hamish are using a public lavatory when Frazier accidentally drops a £1 coin down the toilet.
"Och, Frazier" says Hamish. "It's not worth getting your hands dirty for a pound."
"You're right," says Frazier, throwing in a £10 note. "but it is for £11."


A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and runs back to his master.
"So, how many sheep are there?"
"Forty" replies the dog.
"How can there be forty?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know" says the dog, But I rounded them up for you."

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy ambassador at a very expensive restaurant in New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by her beauty that he asked her to marry him. The secretary knew she couldn't insult a foreign dignitary, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72-karat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

The ambassador picked up his cell phone, called his personal accountant, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons, along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal brokers in New York and France, and said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"