Jokes

A Geordie went into a barbers shop and said: "Can I have a perm, please?" The barber replied: "I wandered lonely as a cloud...."

Why are harps like elderly parents?
They're both unforgiving and difficult to get in and out of cars.

A man with Tourette's Syndrome witnessed a road accident and was asked to testify in court. All went well until he was asked to swear on the bible.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and starts to sink. He entreats the chicken to get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So, he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole, ties some rope around the bumper and pulls the horse to safety.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to get help from the farmer. The horse says, "Wait, I think I can stand over the hole!" So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab my penis and pull yourself up." The chicken does and pulls himself to safety.

The moral of the story: if you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

When I was younger I always felt like a man trapped in a woman's body...and then I was born.

Would love to know where women take a pee. All I ever see are signs for men and Scottish men.

There are 3 things in life that I wish to accomplish.
1) Learn to count.

Funny how we say 'grow some balls' when someone should be tougher. 'Grow a vagina' would be more appropriate. Those things can take a pounding.

Q: What does sex have in common with savings accounts?

A: You lose interest once you make a withdraw.


A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"

"In three months."


A guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.

"Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

A customer was ordering food in an Indian restaurant. Studying the menu, he asked the waiter: "What's the Chicken Tarka?"
The waiter replied: "It's the same as the Chicken Tikka, but a little "otter".

Two old ladies were talking at the Bingo. One says: "Did you come on the bus ?" The other replied: Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack.

What do a pint of Guinness and a Catholic priest have in common?
Black coat, white collar, and you have to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one.

Geoff was in the hospital and was seconds away from having a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby. "Stop" exclaimed his brother. "You can't go through with this!"

"And why not?" asked Geoff.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby some day, like my wife and I have here?"
Geoff said nothing.
His brother grew impatient. "Come on Geoff, I want a nephew. Make me an uncle."
Geoff couldn't take any more of this. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic luck and asked his brother: "Are you sure you want a nephew?"
"Absolutely" said his brother.
"Well, congratulations" said Geoff, "you're holding him!"

Today I feel like a tampon.
In a very nice place.................................... at the wrong time

Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced "HaVaii" or "HaWaii."

They ask a passerby, who answers "Havaii."

"Thank you," says the satisfied first man.

"You're velcome," replies the passerby.


A young man goes to the department store to pick out a pair of gloves for his sweetheart. He is accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, who purchases a pair of panties. Unfortunately, the bags get mixed up, and the man ends up sending his sweetheart the pair of panties, along with this heartfelt note:

"Dearest Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out. Your sister was very insistent that the shorter fashions are easiest to remove. I know these are a delicate shade, but the salesgirl showed me a pair that she's been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. When she tried them on for me, she really quite smart.

The salesgirl recommends that you blow in them when you take them off as they will naturally be a little damp. Also, be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink.

I wish I could put them on you for the first time, but no doubt, other men's hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. Regardless, I'm sure all who see you in these will have great admiration for my excellent taste and your fine looks."

Q. What you do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A. 'Your honour'
Q. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A. Prime Minister

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 have a chance of becoming a human being

My girlfriend left me because I'm so forgetful. It all started last night....or was it this morning? I'll ask my girlfriend, she'll know.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job.