Jokes

After a huge drinking binge, a man wakes one morning to find himself in a strange bed alongside the ugliest woman he's ever seen. Horrified he slips out of bed and pulls on his clothes as quietly as possible.

He's just about to sneak out when he feels a twinge of guilt, so he gets a £20 note from his wallet and puts it on the table. The man then feels a tug on his leg. He looks down to see it's being pulled by another ugly girl who's been asleep under a pile of clothes on the floor. "Oi!" she says. "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"

Two cowboys Ezra and Luke, are in a saloon when they see a man walk in carrying a sack. The man walks over to the bar, pulls an Indian's head out of the sack and hands it to the bar-keeper. In return he gives the man a bag of gold.

The man leaves and Ezra and Luke go up to the bar to make enquiries. "I hate Indians" the bar-keeper tell them. "I hate them varmints so much I give $500 for every Indian head I get my hands on."

Ezra and Luke decide this could be a good line of business, so they saddle up and go off Indian hunting. They search high and low for most of the day until eventually they spy an Indian on horseback.
They chase him into a valley, and after half an hour's hard riding, Ezra fires off a shot, and the Indian falls dead to the ground.

Ezra and Luke dismount their horses and go to collect the head. They reach the Indian's body, when Luke taps Ezra on the shoulder.
"What is it" says Ezra.
"You'd better take a look at this" says Luke.
"Can't it wait?, we've got $500 to collect."
"You'll want to see this" says Luke.
So Ezra looks round and sees around 200 Indian braves up on a nearby ridge, watching them. Ezra throws his hat in the air.
"Yippee" he cries. "We're millionaires!"

There are two women in a man's life. One brings you into the world crying and the other one makes sure you continue to do so.

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

An 85-year old woman gets married to a 90 year old man. On their first night of wedded bliss, the old woman goes to bed and lies down. The old man then shuffles into the bedroom and lies down next to her. Then he grasps her hand and the pair drift off to sleep.

On the second night, the same thing happens, she goes to bed and lies down. The old man lies next to her, grasps her hand and they both drift off to sleep.

On the third night, the old woman goes to bed, lies down, the old man lies next to her. He reaches out to grasp her hand, but she pulls it away saying: "Not tonight dear. I'm just too tired"

Smash Hits for The Ageing

Roberta Flack: The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash: I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon: Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver.

The Commodores: One, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom.

Procol Harem: A Whiter Shade Of Grey.

Leo Sayer: You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations: Papa's Got A Kidney Stone.

Abba: Denture Queen.

Leslie Gore: It's My Heart Attack And I'll Cry if I Want To.

Two women were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends. The first said: "He took me to his flat in Knightsbridge and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and a wrist watch with eleven carats.
"Impressive" said the second girl.
"Well ...yes" the first agreed. "But the downside was with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."

Every night a guy went into a café and chatted up the waitress. He kept pestering her for sex until he wore down her resistance.
"Ok" she said. "I'll have sex with you, but only if you can promise me that bells will ring and lights will flash."
"I can guarantee it!" he replied. Then screwed her on top of the pinball machine.


The Government of Dubai have banned The Flintstones. They won't let it be screened anywhere in the country, which is strange because... Abu Dhabi do.

Bit of a mix up at the supermarket today. Apparently when the girl on the till said 'strip down and face towards me', she was referring to my credit card.

You are born cold, wet and hungry. The rest of your life is all down hill after that.

So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still cant cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still cant f*ck."

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"