Jokes

A hippie walked into a bar and grill. When the waiter came over to take his order, the hippie said: "I want a cheeseburger - not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove."
"And would you like anything to drink?" asked the waiter."
"Yeah", said the hippie. "A cup of tea - not too strong, not too weak, but right in the groove."

The waiter was becoming really irked by the hippie's manner and feared the worst when a little while later, he asked him weather he wanted any dessert. "Yeah" said the hippie. "I'll have ice-cream - not too chocolate, not too vanilla, but right in the groove."

"I'll tell you what", said the waiter, finally losing his cool. "You can kiss my ass - not the right cheek, not the left cheek, but right in the groove!"

Whats the difference between a light on and a hard on?
You can go to sleep with the light on!

Why does water that has trickled through the mountains for centuries have a use by date on the bottle?

I keep a well stocked pantry in case friends drop by.....I could hide in their for days.

For her birthday I bought my wife a matching bag and belt. She'll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.

Two brothers were undergoing their physicals after enlisting in the Army. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to see that both of the men were in possession of extraordinarily long penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary sir" replied the older brother.
"I see" said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises I take it?"
"No, sir, our mother is"
"Your mother?" Don't be so ridiculous! Women don't have penises?"
"We know sir, but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage the best she could."

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident he was greeted by two grim faced Policemen at his door.
"Mr Jones we have some infomation about your wife" they said.
The cops continue, "we have some bad news, some good news, and some really good news.
"So which do you want first"?
Fearing the worst, Mr Jones said, "give me the bad news" so the cops say, "were sorry, but this morning we found your wifes body in Poole harbour"
"Oh my god" said Mr Jones, but remembers there was some good news as well so asks for it.
"Well" said the cop "when we pulled her up she had two five pound Lobsters and a dozen good size Crabs on her.
Mr Jones says, "if that the good news?" whats the really good news"?
"Were going to pull her up again tomorrow morning"

A farmer who looked after baby animals was stunned by the brutal murder of a baby lamb. He was determined to find the culprit, but the only witness he had regarding the killing was a hare from an adjoining field.

Since the hare was unable to speak, the farmer lined up his four main suspects - a horse, a cow, a young goat, and a duck. - and staged an ID parade. "Right" he said to the hare. "I want you to pick out the animal that killed my lamb."

The hare hopped up and down the line, checking each animal, before finally hopping two paces forward and stopping in front of the young goat. "It wasn't me! It wasn't me! protested the goat.
The farmer shook his head and said: "Hare's looking at you kid."

A man is driving down a country lane when he spots a nude young man hugging a tree. As he gets closer, he realises that the young mans arms have been handcuffed around the tree, trapping him.

The man pulls over and the young man says: "Thank god you pulled over, I'd stopped to give this girl a lift, but when she opened the door, her boyfriend jumped from the bushes and mugged me. They took my car, my wallet, all my clothes and left me like this.

"That's terrible" says the man.
"You can say that again" says the young man. "This must be the worst day of my life."
The man begins to undo his trousers. "Yes sweetie: and it's not getting any better for you is it?"

I was being carpeted by my boss for being late. He said: "Do you know when we start work?"
I sais: "No, they're usually hard at it by the time I get here"

A husband arrived home from work to find his wife in bed with his friend.. Angered by her betrayal, the husband produced a gun and shot him dead. His wife shook her head in despair and said: "If you keep behaving like this, you'll lose all your friends!"


A blonde went to the doctors complaining of a sore throat. The doctor sat her down, got out his flashlight and said: "Open wide"
"I can't" replied the blonde. "The arms on this chair get in the way."

Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?



Fo' drizzle.


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."