Jokes

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer." The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?" The first guy says, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven." Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive." The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good." Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln." The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!" A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

A lion is walking through the jungle when it comes across a monkey.
"Who's the King of the Jungle?" says the lion. "You are sire" says the monkey scuttling up a tree.

Next the lion see's a hippo in the river. "Who's the King of the Jungle?" says the lion. "You are sire" says the hippo, diving under the water.

Next the lion comes across an elephant. "Who's the King of the Jungle?" says the lion. The elephant lets out a huge bellow. grabs the lion by the tail and starts beating him against a tree.
"Now look...here," says the lion. "There's... no need...to get...tetchy...just...because you....don't know....the answer..."

Alan's wife decides to take him to a local lap-dancing club as a surprise birthday present. Alan protests but his wife drags him along anyway.

At the entrance the manager greets him saying: "Hello Alan, how you doing?" "How does he know your name" asks his wife.
"Er, I knew him from school" explains Alan.
Inside the club the cloakroom girl says: "Good evening Alan, how are you tonight?" Alan hurriedly explains that she's a friend of a workmate.

When they sit down the waitress comes up and says: "Great to see you Alan. Would you like your usual?" Alan tells his wife that she's a member of his tennis club.

Finally a pole dancer walks past and says: "Hi Alan, stay there and I'll come by and do you a special." This is too much for Alan's wife who drags him outside and starts screaming at him.

The doorman hails them a taxi. "Oh boy Alan" he says. "You sure picked an ugly one tonight."

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly man. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there." "$100!! For a handjob? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. "Trust me, it's worth it." The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!" "Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blowjobs." "How much is that?" "$500" "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!" "You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?" "Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!" She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

A man buys a budgie but is disappointed when it doesn't speak.
He goes back to the pet shop, where the owner suggests getting the budgie a mirror to play with.

This doesn't make the budgie any more talkative, so he goes back, and the pet shop owner next suggests buying it a cuttlefish bone. The bone has no effect either, so off he goes back again and this time the owner suggests he buys the budgie a bell and a ladder.

The man returns to the pet shop again the next day and announces he's had success. "The budgie looked in the mirror, it pecked at the cuttlefish bone, climbed the ladder, rang the bell, then said a few words and fell dead off it's perch.

"Oh dear" said the owner, "What did it say?" The man replies:
"It said, hasn't that pet shop got any bloody bird seed?"

There was a shoe sales man sitting in his store when a beautiful woman comes in. He looks at her and can't stop staring. While helping her try on a pair of shoes he glances up her skirt to find she isn't wearing any panties.
He started thinking and something slipped out. The man said "I'd like to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out!"
Hearing this the woman runs out to tell her husband. She says, "Honey, this shoe salesman said he'd like to fill my pussy up with ice cream and lick it all out!" "Now go kick his ass!".
The husband replied "Dear, anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I ain't fuckin' with!"


There was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner." The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"

There's a woman called Sue Tickle, who works in our local chemists.
Everyone calls her Farmer!.

I was once bitten on the butt by a German Shepard. But then he apologised and introduced me to his dog.

How does a Yorkshireman say "It isn't in the tin"?
"Tin tin tin"

I bought the Iraqi version of Cluedo, but it's not very good.
You can't find the weapons.

A man was sacked from his job as a plastic surgeon for using helium instead of silicone. It all went tits up for him.

I pulled a real hottie in the pub the other night. She had amazing tits, awesome long legs, sexy eyes, a lovely smile and a incredibly fit tanned body, and her pussy smelt like lemons.
She was a right Bitter skirt!.

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"