Jokes

I don't think Kim Jong-Un is the problem. I'm worried about his military advisors Kil Yan Kee, Noo Kem, Chu Tem and Wi Kan Win.
I'm not sure they're the guys for the job...


As things have escalated between North and South Korea, the Americans have revealed their secret weapon.
British troops....


The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic.
We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honoured and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy?
He couldn't bear to say, "Come Spot...Come Spot."

What do you call a Belgian detective with an air conditioner on his head? Air Cool.

"Doctor, doctor, the letters A, E, I, O and U really annoy me. What's my problem?
"You have irritable vowel syndrome."

My sister had a dog with no back legs. She called him Cigarette because every night she'd take him outside for a quick drag.

Dr Watson was in a bar. It was past closing time and he was a bit drunk. "Come on" said the barman. "Haven't you got Holmes to go to?"

An eccentric bachelor died and left a nephew nothing but a collection of 360 clocks. The nephew is now busy winding up the estate.

Woman: "My husband has flat feet. Is that grounds for divorce?"
Lawyer: "Not unless his feet visit the wrong flat."

I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of wine. He's a Bordeaux collie.

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?
One's a marsupial, the others a Geordie stuck in a lift.

Q: What does a zebra and Michael Jackson have in common? A: They can't decide whether to be black or white!


Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot!


Q: What's the difference between a cookie and a Mammoth? A: Try dunking a Mammoth in your milk - THEN you'll know!


A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Three old men were sitting on a park bench. The first said:
"It used to take me five minutes to get here but today - half an hour. At 85 years my legs are letting me down.

The second said: "Legs, that's nothing! I used to read the newspaper without glasses, but today even with glasses I can't read any of it. At 90 years, it's my eyes that are letting me down."

The third scoffed, "Eyes and legs, that's nothing! When I went home yesterday evening after I left you, I stared at my wife doing the washing-up, felt the urge and said to her, "Let's go and make love."

She replied: "You've already done it once today." At 95 years, my memory's letting me down!"

A couple with hectic lifestyles decided they needed to use a code to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their young children know. The word they settled on was "Typewriter."

One day, the father said to his five-year- old daughter, "Go tell Mummy that Daddy needs to type a letter."

The child ran and told her mother what he had said and the mother replied, "Go tell Daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child relayed the information to her father. A few days later, the mother told her daughter: "Go tell Daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child delivered the message to her father but returned to her mother and announced: "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Adam and Eve were walking through the Garden of Eden one day when God spoke to them. " All right kids, I have a couple of items left here in my goody bag. Who wants the ability to urinate standing up?"

Eve responded immediately, "Please God, Me! Me! Me!"

So God in his wisdom granted her the ability to pee while standing.
But Eve saw the look of utter despair on Adam's face, and feeling generous said to god, "Let Adam have this ability if he craves it so much."

So God gave the ability to Adam instead, and he was so happy that he dashed behind a bush and urinated standing up.

When he came back, Eve spoke to God and said: "Well do you have anything left for me?" God looked in his bag, looked back at Eve and said: "Sorry love, all I have left is multiple orgasms."

When I was young I really liked science fiction and always wanted one of those devices that slowed time.
Now that I'm grown up, I realize that such things don't exist, but it is possible to achieve the same effect by inviting the in-laws round for dinner....


The celebrity coaches from The Voice have been criticised for spending time across the Atlantic when supposedly coaching their acts.
Although that is probably the optimum distance from which to listen...


What do you call an Egyptian therapist?
A Cairopractor...

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"


There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Bob and Doreen were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Bob suddenly tripped, plunged into the deep end and sank to the bottom.

Doreen promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Bob out. When the head of the hospital became aware of her heroic act, she immediately ordered Doreen to be discharged as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to inform Doreen of her decision, she said:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. As you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is that Bob whose life you saved, hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt, right after you rescued him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

"That's sad" said Doreen. "But he didn't hang himself - I put there to dry. When can I go home?"