Jokes

I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourette's Society.
It's the thought that cunts....


Guys, when chatting up women don't use one of the cornea lines like "You have beautiful eyes". They can see right through them.


I am going to take my girlfriend on a romantic Carousel ride this Valentines day.
It's just a roundabout way to get into her knickers...

For fuck's sake, what a mess to sort out. I can't believe I've mixed their Valentine's Day cards up.

The girlfriend now thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to fuck her.

My wife isn't that bothered about Valentine's Day today.

The fat bitch is too excited about pancake day on Tuesday to even care.

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she see's three dogs. Being an animal fan, she goes over to them, bends down and begins to stroke one of them.

"Ah, you're lovely", she says to the first dog. "Whats your name then?"

To her surprise, the dog answers her. "My names Huey, and i've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

She moves to the second dog and says "And what your name then?"

Again to her surprise the dog answers, "My names Lewy and i've had a great day going in and out of puddles.

She moves to the third dog who looks despondant and says, "Let me guess, your names Dewy, and you've had a great day too going in and out of puddles."

"No" replies the dog. "My names Puddles and i've had a terrible day."

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.

"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

My girlfriend says I'm getting too obsessed with cricket,
'How's that?' I replied....


BREAKING NEWS- Tests find traces of mince in Celtics defence!!!


Frank Lampard has signed a deal to write children's books loosely based on friends and teammates.
"One day John went round to Wayne's house...."

Booked a table for me and the wife last night,with it being Valentines day. When we got home she said "that was shit I hated it" I said " i'm not suprised you only potted 2 balls all night"

Russian nuclear scientists are instructed to NEVER wear loose boxer shorts because-the authorities explain- "Chernobyl fallout."

The Pedigree Dog Food factory has gone bust. They've called in the retrievers.

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
Banned from the petting zoo.

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

Three Englishmen are in a bar. They see an Irishman drinking alone and they decide to wind him up. The first one walks over to him taps him on the shoulder and says: " Hey, i hear your St Patrick was an arse bandit." The Irishman replies " Oh really, hmm, i didn't know that."

Puzzled he walks back to his mates. "I told him St Patrick was a turd burglar and he didn't bat an eyelid."

"You don't know how to set him off, watch and learn" says the second Englishman. He walks over taps him on the shoulder and says "St Patrick was a transvestite!"

"Really?" shrugs the Irishman. "I didn't know that, thanks."
He walks back to his mates. "You're right, he's unshakable."

" I don't think so, let me try" says the third Englishman. He walks over taps him on the shoulder and says, "I hear your St Patrick was an Englishman!"
"I know" says the Irishman, "that's what your mates were saying."

A Beautiful woman is shopping in an top of the range shoe store when she spots a dazzling pair of sexy stilettos.

The store owner bowled over by her stunning looks comes over and says, "They're very very expensive, but if you let me take you to bed, i'll let you have them for nothing."

"Well, okay" says the woman. "But don't expect me to enjoy it."

Elated, he gives her the shoes and takes her home, straight to the bedroom.

He drops his trousers and pants, takes off her underwear, pushes her back on the bed and hoists her legs over his shoulders. As he thrusts away the woman says, "Oh god, yes, yes!, Fantastic! Absolutely fantastic..."

"Oh really?" he says. "And i thought you said you wouldn't enjoy having sex with me?"

"I don't" she replied. "I'm admiring my new shoes."