Jokes

A man went to confession and said: "Father it has been a month since my last confession. I have had sex with Pussy Green every week for the last month."

The priest said: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three hail marys."

Ten minutes later, another man entered the confessional. "Father it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Pussy Green twice a week for the last two months."

The priest was intrigued. "Who exactly is this Pussy Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood" he replied.
"Very well, say twelve hail marys" said the priest.

At mass the next day, as the priest was about to deliver his sermon a tall beautiful woman, shimmered down the aisle. She was wearing a green mini-dress with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped in admiration as she sat before them with her legs spread slightly apart. The priest turned to the altar boy and breathlessly whispered: "Is that Pussy Green?"

The smitten altar boy said: "No, i think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

Whats the difference between the Pope and Bill Clinton?
You only have to get on one knee for the Pope.

What Moisturizer do Bullfighters use? Olay.

What did the sign say in the Egyptian Funeral Home?
Satisfaction guaranteed, or double your mummy back.

Why should you discourage your daughter from taking up carpentry?
It would increase her chances of getting nailed.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said. "Now you have to remove them."

Two Italian guys Luigi and Carlo bump into each other on the street.

"Hey, Luigi" cried Carlo. Where you been for the past two weeks? No one see you around."

"I know Carlo, I been inna jail." replied Luigi.

"Jail" exclaimed Carlo. "Whatta you bin inna jail for?"

"Wella Carlo. I was lyin onna dis beach, and da cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."

"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lyin onna da beach!"

"Yeah, but dis beach wassa screamin, and akickin, and ayellin!"

'Horses for courses'....has now lost all its metaphorical meaning....


It seems showing a little cleavage, winking, and slowly dragging your finger across the palm of a cop's hand as he takes your license,
.................. Only works for females.



Following tests after the Southampton and Man City game, it has been revealed that parts of the City team were found to contain 100% donkey...


Two idiots are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic.
One idiot says, "Hey, lets have a picnic over there under that tree."
The other idiot says," No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road."
They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road.
Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree. One idiot says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now."

A married couple were involved in a nasty car accident that left the woman with a badly burned face. The doctor told the huband that it was impossible to graft any skin from her body as she was so slim.

The husband offrered to donate some of his skin, however the doctor felt the only skin that was suitable was from his buttocks. They both agreed that they would tell no one where the skin came from, and asked the doctor to honour their secret.

When the surgery was completed, everyone was amazed at the woman's new found beauty. All her friends and family kept going on about her youthful looks.

One day alone with her husband, she was overcome with emotion over his generosity. "Darling, i just want to thank you for everything you did for me. You saved my life. There is no way i could ever repay you."

"Honey" he replied. "think nothing off it. I get all the thanks i need every time i see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"

The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

I said to my friend, "I bet I can recite the alphabet backwards faster than you can."
"You first..." he replied.
I said, "No you thick cunt, it's Z first."


Findus Lasagne.
They're Bute-iful....


Why did the potato narrate his life in a cockney accent?
Because he was a common tater....


So there's this bar that only sells blood.
All the vampires go there and buy pints of blood every night.
One day one of the vampires goes up to the bar and orders some boiling water.
All the other vampires are shocked and start taking the piss and giving him abuse, calling him a freak and a pussy and so on
After a moment, he turns around slowly, pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says "Come guys, I just wanted a cup of tea"

ELDERLY & TRAVEL

I have been many places,but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently,you can't go alone,you have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito,I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have,however,been to Sane.
They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I've made several trips there,thanks to my friends,family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusion,but you have to jump,and I'm not much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.
That's a sad place to go,and I try not to visit there to often.

I've been in Flexible,but only when It's very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable,and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get.

And sometimes I think I'm in Vincible but life shows me I'm not.

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
APPROVED!