Jokes

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vets to be neutered.
"Is it a tom?" asks the vet
"No it's in this box" he replies.

A woman sits opposite an obese man on a bus and can't help making a comment.
"If that stomach was on a woman i'd think she was pregnant."
The obese man replies, "It was, she is."

A midget goes into a brothel. None of the girls really want to do the deed with him, so they decide to draw lots, and a girl named Mandy draws the short straw and reluctantly takes him upstairs.

A few minutes later, there was a loud scream, and all the girls charge upstairs and into the room.

Mandy is laid on the floor in a dead faint. The midget is standing next to the bed, nude with a three foot dick hanging down, almost touching the floor.

All were astounded by the sight. Finally one girl regained her composure and said: "Sir, would you mind if we felt it? We've never seen anything like that before."

The midget sighs and replies, "Okay honey. But only touching. No sucking. I used to be six feet tall."

I saw a couple playing the fruit machine together in the pub last night.
I walked over and said to the guy, "I'd leave that if I were you, mate."
"Why?" he asked.
I said, "Because she's an ugly minger."


My girlfriend's sense of direction isn't very good.
She can only manage to go left, right and up....


A girl at work who had recently had a boob job came over to my desk while I was just sitting staring into space.
"What do you think about my new breasts?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied. "Are you psychic?"

The manager of an old folks home decides to hire an animal act to entertain everyone at the home's annual tea party.

He callls a theatrical agent and asks what sort of acts he has to offer.

"I've got a tiger, it does a highwire act and juggles plates" he says.

"Too dangerous" replies the manager. "It might fall on someone or bite them."

"Well how about a performing seal, it can play musical instruments."

"Too noisy" says the manager. "The old folks won't like it. What we need is something nice and sedate so it won't upset them."

"I know, how about George the gibbon. He's very quiet. All he does is card tricks."

"Sounds good" says the manager. "Let's try a mellow gibbon round the old folk's tea..."

Refused Racehorse names:

Ben Timover
Neil Anblomee
Oil Beef Hooked
Anita Hanjaab
Willy Fisterbottom
Arfur Foulkesaycke
And Finally one that got through http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWgeG1Mjb7c

A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them. A married alien couple walked out and said, ''Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet.''
So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sex. The humans told the aliens how humans have sex and the aliens were in shock! It was very similar to the way the aliens did it. The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night.
When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his ''thing.'' The alien looked down and said, ''Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.'' And he hit his head twice and ''it'' grew at least two feet. The woman said ''Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to.'' So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest sex of their lives.
The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, ''How was it?''
The wife replied, ''Great!''
The man said, ''Well, for some strange reason the alien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, 'It's broken! It's broken!'''

A driver was speeding along the road when he came to a bridge.
A cop with a radar gun was sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulled him over.

"Do you know what speed you were doing? asked the cop.
"Look, i know i was probably a tad over the limit, but there's a good reason for it, i'm in a real hurry."
"What's so urgent? asked the cop.
"I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah? And what line of work are you in that is so important?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher" says the driver.
"A what?" says the cop puzzled.
A rectum stretcher. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers. Eventually i get a hand in, then both hands, and i slowly stretch it till it's about six feet wide."
"What do you do with a six foot asshole? asks the cop.
"You give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge..."

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."
I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."


Did you know that anal sex is still illegal in Iceland?
Not sure if it's the same in Farmfoods so be careful....


i always write in lower case letters, BUT i like to write the word BUT in capital letters.
i like big BUTS and i cannot lie....

After several years of serving the church in a far away land, a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bronx, New York.
He set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes. On his way, a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."
The priest glares at her confused and says, "What's a blow job?"
The woman is just as confused and says, "What are you a comedian?" and walks off.
The priest, undaunted, walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats, "Hey mister, blow job 25 bucks."
The priest quickly replies, "What is this blow job!?"
The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.
The priest, now very curious, returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly a "blow job" is.
The priest sees the mother superior and says, "I have a question -- What's a blow job?"
Mother superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper. "Same as on the outside...25 Bucks."

A girl was sitting in a train carriage when an old guy entered and sat opposite her, eating a tray of king prawns.

His manners were appalling. He was belching and swearing, and he took great delight in flicking the shells on the floor and at the girl.
Finally he screwed up the polystyrene tray and threw it at her.

While he roared with laughter, she calmly picked the prawn shells off the floor, threw them and the tray out of the window, and pressed the emergency stop.

"You dumb bitch!" he yelled. "That's gonna cost you £100!"

"Yeah" she replied, but when the police smell your fingers, it's gonna cost you ten years!"