Jokes

A man fell asleep on the beach and the wind came up and blew sand all over him untill only his big toe was sticking out.

A nympho lady was walking down the beach and saw the toe sticking up, she pulled down her bikini bottom and sat on the toe and humped away till she was satisfied, rearranged herself and left.

The man woke up, brushed away the sand and left not knowing what happened.

The next day his toe itched like hell, and he had a sore on it. He went to the doctor's and after an exam the doctor told him he had syphilis of the big toe.

"Syphilis of the big toe? he said shocked. "Isn't that rare?"

"Yes" the doctor said, "But if you think that's rare, i had a woman in her this morning with athlete's twat."

I couldn't get to sleep last night so the missus suggested I try counting sheep.
It didn't work though, I couldn't find any sheep in the house...


"I am afraid that having looked at your X-ray you have fractured your finger and will be out of action for 6 weeks, you may need surgery depending on how it heels in the first week. You will need to follow these simple exercises to keep mobility and make sure the finger doesn't seize up. Which hand is your strongest?"
"So what you're saying is Doc, I can't wank for 6 weeks?"


What happened to the frog who's car broke down? .......It was toad away!

A man goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of wind and needs to relieve some pressure. The family dog jumps up on the couch next to him.

He decides that he can let out a little fart and if anyone notices they'll think the dog did it. He farts, and the mother yells,
"Bruno, get down from there".

The man thinks "great, they think the dog did it". He releases another fart, and the mother yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally, the mother yells,
"Dammit Bruno, get down before that bastard craps on you."

After having Five children, a woman decides to have cosmetic surgery and have a little nip and tuck "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory.

Following the operation, she came round to see three roses at the end of her bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse. "They're very nice but i'm a bit confused as to why i've recieved them."

"Well" said the nurse. "The first is from the surgeon- the operation went well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said the woman".

"The second is from your husband- he's delighted the operation was a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited."

"Brilliant!" said the woman. " And the third?"

"Thats from Ken in the burns unit, "He just wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

News just in...Man returns to work after Christmas break with fresh, re-energized hatred for job....


Its so hard to find the right person these days.
All I want is a woman who loves long walks on the beach.
It'll give her something to do whilst I watch the footie...


I've been helping my midget friend with his alcohol addiction.
I keep telling him to keep his spirits high...

A little schoolboy told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How did you know that the cat was dead?" she asked.

"Because i pissed in it's ear and it didn't move" he replied innocently.

"You did WHAT?!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," said the boy, "I leaned over and went Pssst! and it didn't move."


Did you hear about the rheumatoid alcoholic?
Every night he gets stiff in a different joint.

I was at work in my sports shop today when a bloke approached the counter with a tennis racket.
"Excuse me, I like this racket and would like to buy it, but I was wondering if you could add some more tension?" he asked.
"No problem" I replied. "I'm pretty sure I shagged your wife a few years ago, and your son looks an awful lot like me."


I was in the pub with Quasimodo last night. I said to him, "I'll tell you what pisses me off, Inconsiderate drivers."
He nodded in agreement. I carried on, "So Quasi, what gets your back up?"
... "And that Officer, is how the fight started."

A man found himself sitting next to a gorgeous woman on a flight. They exchanged smiles but he was looking for an excuse to talk to her.

He glanced over and noticed she was reading a book on sexual statistics. "is that interesting" he asked.

"Yes" she replied. "There's a lot of fascinating information. For instance did you know that American Indians have, on average, the longest penis and that Scotsmen have the biggest diameter penis. By the way my names Shelly. What's yours?"

"Tonto Mctavish. Pleased to meet you."

The wives of three world leaders were talking about what a penis is called in their country.

David Cameron's wife said: " In England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering."

Silvio Burlusconi's wife said: "In Italy we call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act."

Bill Clinton's wife said: " In America we call it a rumour, because it goes from mouth to mouth."

To burp, or not to burp.
That's indigestion....


My missus knocked on the bathroom door last night and said, "Are you ok? You've been in there for nearly two hours."
I didn't reply, so she slowly pulled down the handle and let herself in.
10 minutes later she walked into the pub and called me a fucking cunt...


I said to my mate, "A bloke came up to me in the pub last night and threatened to take me out."
"What! Some fucking hardcase yobbo?" he quizzed.
"No," I replied, "I'd accidentally wandered into a gay bar."