Jokes

A female reporter was interviewing a farmer concerning mad cow disease.

"Sir, have you any ideas as to what might be causing this disease?" she asked.

"I sure do," says the farmer. "Do you know bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Well sir, that's new information to me, but what is the connection between that and mad cow disease?"

"In addition to that," continued the farmer, "Did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"That's very interesting, sir, but what's your point?" demanded the reporter.

"The point is lady, if i played with your tits twice a day but only screwed you once a year, wouldn't you go bloody mad too?"

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; tell others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

My New Year resolution is no more shagging fat birds.
I thought to myself as I rolled off the wife.


My new years resolution is to stop being so cynical, but I bet thats exactly what they want me to do.


I hate our New Years Eve party at my Gran's house when she gets her tits out...
It's a Hooter-Nanny.

i farted in a lift the other day. it was wrong on so many levels

im writing a mystery novel....or am i???

whats the difference between a tyre and 365 condoms? one's a goodyear and one's a bloody good year

Just been looking at the artist Vincent Van Gogh's family tree and he had loads of relatives, among then were:

His brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His constipated uncle: Cant Gogh
His nephew who drove the stagecoach: Wellsfar Gogh
His bird loving uncle: Phlamin Gogh
His greengrocer cousin: Man Gogh
His aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
His bouncy little nephew: Poe Gogh
His sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E.Gogh
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
His mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
His mexican cousin's half-brother: Grin Gogh
His obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
His ballroom dancing aunt: Tang Gogh
His brother who worked on traffic lights: Stoppen Gogh
His niece who travelled the world in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

Tough shit for next year if you suffer from Triskaidekaphobia...
(somewhat ruins it, but fear of the number 13)

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barmaid:
"Hey babe, Anhaeuser Busch?"
"Fine, she says, "and how's your dick."

My mate asked if i wanted too join his religious sect where they worship a probiotic drink. I said:
"No thanks i'm not interested in yakult."

(31-12-2012 22:15 )4evadionne Wrote:  My mate asked if i wanted too join his religious sect where they worship a probiotic drink. I said:
"No thanks i'm not interested in yakult."

could've also said, "erm, dunno" (like danone advert)

Don't judge me but I haven't washed since last year...

A woman and a baby were in the doctors examining room, waiting for the doctor to arrive.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it to be below normal and asked if the baby was breast or bottle-fed.

"Breast fed" she replied.

"Well strip down to your waist" the doctor ordered.

The doctor then pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed rigourous examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said,

"No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know" she said. "I'm his grandmother but i'm really pleased i brought him in!"