Jokes

A Man's Xmas Prayer:

As i lay me down to sleep, i prey for a woman who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long, who notice's that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks and doesn't speak, and swears to do so once a week.

I prey that she is very randy, cause one like her would come in handy
Opens her legs and lies on the floor, and once i've done she begs for more.
Oh! Send me a woman who'll not play with my mind, who knows what she wants, and thats lots from behind.

One who'll make love, till my balls are a twitchin, and brings me a beer when she comes from the kitchen.
I prey that she'll last right till the end, and would never complain when i do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know i can't wait, so i'll screw all the rest cause it's never too late.

Dunno why everyone's going on about people buying guns in America.
They've sold dynamite to coyotes for years...

After watching Uma Thurman in Kill Bill 2.
I've pretty much mastered the 5 point palm, exploding cock technique...

I don't think my next door neighbour watches enough porn.
She asked me to help her fix her kitchen sink. It's been 40 minutes now and we're still fixing the fucking thing...

Gangnam Style is the most viewed video.
Well I've looked all over Porn Hub and can't find it anywhere!!

Touch it gently...
Put two fingers inside. If it's big, put three fingers in...
Make sure it's wet...
Rub it up and down...
Yeah...
That's how you wash a cup.


Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA in some women.
Alas 95% of them spat it out!

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.

The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."

He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."

"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"

"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."

The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'"

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'

But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."

"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."

The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"

"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."

BREAKING NEWS : Usain Bolt is already in 2013

When chemists die, they barium.

Alex Ferguson

A Knight goes off on the crusades, but defends his wifes honour by equipping her with a chastity belt embedded with sharred glass.

A year later he returns and orders all his retainers to drop their underwear. They do so and the knight sees that all but one man have shredded privates.

He stands before the unshredded man and says:
"For your loyalty i shall give you my best horse and one hundred acres of land."

The man replies, "Oh hank u ery uch y ord."

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Mo Farah walked into a pub and the barman said, 'Why the long race?'