Jokes

Tongue twisters, try this one...

I'm not a Pheasant plucker
I'm a Pheasant pluckers son
And I'm only plucking Pheasnts
Till the Pheasant plucker comes

Three fleas were sleeping on a woman. One was on her head, the second was in her armpit and the third was in her pussy.
The next morning the three fleas met up on a passing dog and compared notes as to how they had slept.
The first said: "I slept on this really hard place. It had some hair, but was very uncomfortable."
The second said: "I slept in a place that was kinda wet, but it was warm and reasonably comfortable."
The third said: "I slept in a dark cave and it was really nice. But as i was sleeping this big bald monster came in, woke me up, slammed me up against the wall, and then spat in my damn face!"

A man goes to his seat on an airplane and finds a parrot in the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes by, and when the man asks her for a coffee, the parrot squawks, "And get me a whiskey, you cow!"

The flustered stewardess brings back a whiskey for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "And get me another whiskey, you cow!"

The upset stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee. The man decides to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a coffee, cow, now go and get it!"

Two burly stewards grab the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and throw them out. As they eject from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a mouthy S.O.B.!"

As i came up the stairs last night,I thought;This step fetish is getting out of hand.

I used to be embarresed by my geology fetish.I started off stroking gravel but now i'm feeling a little boulder.

When alive,My grandad was a disgusting old pervert who abused me.I would piss on his grave,If i didn't think it would turn him on.

If Thomson's do holidays with me in mind,why are there no sex slaves & a cripple fighting pit.

I was putting on my one piece rubber suit,when my wife asked,"What the hell are you doing?" "Getting ready to go surfing"I said,"Where exactly are you going surfing?"she said,"On the internet at gimpsex.com!"

A man is in a hotel lobby,He wants to ask the clerk a question.As he turns to go to the front desk,he accidently bumps into a women beside him & as he does,his elbow goes into her breast.They are both quite startled.The man turns to her & says,"Ma'am if your heart is as soft as your breast,i know you'll forgive me." She replies,"If your dick is as hard as your elbow,I'm in room 436"

A guy who owned a horse stud farm got call from a friend.
"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse. I'm sending him round."

The midget arrived, and the owner asked if he wanted a male or female horse.

"A female horth" replied the the midget. So the owner showed him one of his prize females.

"Nith looking horth, can i see her eyesth?" So the owner picked him up and showed him the horse's eyes.

"Ok what about the earsth?" The owner was getting a bit fed up with this, but he picked up the midget one more time and showed him the horse's ears.

"Ok finally, i'd like to see her twat." With that the owner picked up the midget and shoved his head up the horse's twat. Then he pulled him out.

Shaking his head, the midget said: "Perhapth i should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"

This Christmas shopping is a load of wank. I went to boots....and they don't sell boots....I went to selfridges and they don't sell fridges....went to currys.....not a curry in site!
So I tried the virgin megastore and what a fucking disappointment that was...

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches...

Why is Santa Claus always smiling?
Because he knows where all the bad girls live...

I said to the Mrs, "what would you like for Xmas?"
She replied, "get me something silky"

I bet this tin of emulsions the wrong colour.

He laid her on the table
So white, clean and bare
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there
He touched her neck, and then her breast
And then drooling, felt her thigh
The slit was wet, and all was set
He gave a joyous cry
The hole was wide...
He looked inside
All was dark and murky
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms
And then he stuffed the turkey!

Twenty ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. "

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.

It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But John, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. John went to his room and wrote ' Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.' But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.' He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.' He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied. So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. 'Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'