Jokes

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I'd rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.
"Yes, and two very good leads!"

So Kate Middleton is pregnant..

I thought that it was government policy to discourage people who don't work from having kids.

The curator of an American art gallery commissioned an artist to do a painting depicting General Custer's last thoughts.
For nine months, the artist kept his work a closely guarded secret and so its unveiling was eagerly anticipated.
But when the great day came, the curator was horrified to see the result.
Instead of a fine battle, the painting showed a large lake with fish leaping from the water with halos around their heads, and on the shore of the lake were hundreds of indians fornicating.
The curator was furious. "What on earth is this supposed to be?"
The artist said: "You asked for a painting of Custer's last thoughts. This is it. Custer was thinking: Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking indians come from?"

I haven't had sex with my wife in months, so when I told her I had a load to give her while unzipping my trousers she got very excited and pranced up the stairs to the bedroom.
That all changed though, as I walked in the bedroom and tossed my trousers in the basket with the rest of the dirty clothes and sent her on her way.
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I've just received a text from my missus that reads:
"Hello birthday boy. When you get home from work, there'll be a hot bath waiting for you. When you've finished, come into the bedroom and I'll suck you dry "
Fuck that, it'll take ages. I'll just use a towel.
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My new girlfriend just found out that I'm 42.
She said, "You told me that you were 28 and a half!"
I said, "I am if you think about it."

Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benifit from recieving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.


A man was sitting on a park bench having Ryvita crackers for a snack.
A blind man came and sat next to him.
Feeling neighbourly, the man handed the blind man a cracker.
The blind man ran his fingers over it for a while before turning to the man and saying:
"Who wrote this shit?"

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes:

Thats not right ... Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive?... Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP... Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man... Dum Fuk

Small Horse... Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach... Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

Great... Fa Kin Su Pah

I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching

A boy asks his mother for breakfast. She says, "Not until you feed the animals."

The boy goes outside and says to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicks the chicken. He does the same with the cow and the pig.

The boy goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry. His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk, and I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."

Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat. The boy says, "Mom, should I tell him?"

OFFSIDE RULE FOR WOMEN
"Imagine you are in Primark standing in the queue,the woman in front of you has forgotten her purse,& you realise that you have too.However your friend is at the back & she has your purse.Before you can jump in front of the girl without her purse,your mate needs to throw you your purse.Only when you've got your purse in your hand can you then go in front of her & pay for your stuff."

A guy is shopping in his local supermarket & notices a beautiful blonde wave at him & says hello.He's rather taken a back,because he can't place where he knows her from,so he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think your the father to one of my kids." Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife & says, "My God,are you the stripper from my bachelor party that i screwed on the pool table with all my mates watching, & your partner whipped my arse with wet celery & stuck a carrot up my butt?" She looks at him strangely & replies "No,I'm your son's math teacher."

"Starbucks have pledged a minimum of £20 million pounds in Corporation tax over the next two years".
All they need to do is sell another 50 cups of coffee.

My advent calendar has just crashed.
I have too many windows open.

Due to the state of the economy I can't get credit..
Well the only thing I get credit for nowadays is being a cunt..

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"
He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money & guns.Inside he finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of the bed & ties him to a chair.While tying the homeowners wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her,kiss's her neck,then gets up & goes into the bathroom.While he's in there the husband whispers over to his wife:"Listen,this guy is an escaped convict.Look at his clothes!He's probably spent a lot of time in jail & hasn't seen a woman in years.I saw how he kissed your neck.If he wants sex,don't resist,don't complain.....Do what ever he tells you.Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.This guy is obviously very dangerous,If he gets angry he'll kill us both.Be strong,honey.I love you." His wife responds:He wasn't kissing my neck-he was whispering in my ear.He told me he was gay & he thought you were cute & asked if we had Vaseline.I told him it was in the bathroom,Be strong,I love you."