Jokes

Finally after all these years I can see the light at the end of my debt problems.
My missus left me this morning...
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I've just picked up my copy of the 'Chelsea FC Official Calendar 2013', it's got a different manager for every month....
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Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.
Such a pity it was a puppy.

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.One said to the other,"Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch,when our boss is up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know,"replied the other,"I'll go ask him."So he climbed out of the hole & went to his boss."Why are we digging in the hot sun & you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence."the boss said. "What's intelligence?"asked the digger. The boss said "I'll show you,I'll put my hand on this tree & i want you to hit it as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing & tried to hit the boss' hand.The boss removed his hand & the ditch digger hit the tree.The boss said "That's intelligence!"The ditch digger went back to his hole.His friend asked "What did he say?" "He,said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?"his friend asked. The ditch digger put his hand on his face & said,"Take your shovel & hit my hand."

Back in the woods,A rednecks wife went into labor in the middle of the night, & the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity,the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern & said,"Here,you hold this high so i can see what i am doing." Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there,"said the doctor "Don't be in a rush to put that lantern down....I think there's yet another to come."Sure enough,within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No,No,don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern....It seems there is yet another one in there!"cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment & asked the doctor,"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

An angora rabbit decides he wants good sex, so he goes to an animal brothel. He asks the madam, who is a fox, for a suitable female.
"For you, i got this nice little squirrel," says the fox.
"No, better give me a boa constrictor snake," replies the rabbit.
"But a boa will eat a little angora rabbit like you alive," says the fox.
"Never mind, just give me the woman- i want a big, long, cold boa snake," answers the rabbit.
So he is taken to this incredible boa female. Seeing the little rabbit, the snake swallows it in a second. But, because it's an angora rabbit, the boa with its stomach irritated by the fur, spits out the rabbit so violently it lands about two feet away.
Stunned, the rabbit slowly gets on his feet, with a huge happy smile on his face, and proudly says to himself, "Oh boy, what a blowjob!"

I was playing football for my local pub team this morning, when an opposition player started rolling around on the floor holding his cock.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Your fucking studs." he replied.
I said, "I know we are, but can you stop being gay and get on with the game?"
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I was on Facebook earlier when I noticed that my teenage son wrote a status saying that he was gay.
Well, he actually posted a Justin Bieber music video but he might as well have just come out and admitted it..
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Two bears were watching some football before hitting the pillow for their annual hibernation.
As one had his final big yawn and rolled onto his side he said "YAAAWWWWNNNN, wake me up when Torres scores"

An old man, a doctor and a story
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddently a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear!"
"And the moral of the story is...?" replied the doctor.

Did you know that if a stick insect laid It's eggs in a jar of Bovril,it would give birth to a litter of twiglets?

During the war,my grandfather could not stop scribbling....He got hit by a Doodlebug

I've played football on a plane,you know....there I was,running up the wing!!!

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants.
It was Weggie Kray

I spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula's house...
I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui

I was reading this book today,"The History Of Glue" and I couldn't put it down.

I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said,"Nearest the bull goes first."
He went "Baah" I went "Moo" He said,"Your closest."

Conjunctivitis.com - That's a site for sore eyes

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

I was in my local & i bumped into an old neighbour,A woman who as a 14yr old,i would babysit for to earn a bit extra cash. I'd always had a crush on this woman & the years had been kind to her as she still looked really fit. We shared a few drinks & she started to flirt with me.She reminded me that i used to babysit for her kids. I suddenly remembered that i used to go through her drawers,get out her vibrator,all crusty with the odd pube stuck to it & sniff it whilst wanking myself off,Thinking of her using it on herself. I snapped back to the conversation,"Are you still married to your husband?"i asked. She smiled,touched my arm & said,"No,No,I left him when i found him,one night,wanking to gay porn with a dildo up his arse."

I remember when i was younger,I would play 'Guess Who?' with my sister. She always knew it was me though,what with the birthmark on my cock.

The other day i was desperate to do a shit.I don't know why;It was a massive letdown & have since gone back to doing woman.