Jokes

A man was shopping in the mens department at Harrods when he spotted a stunning female sales assistant behind the counter.
He went up to her and said:
"Good morning madam."
She smiled and replied, "And what would you like sir?"
The man said:
"I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight then run my hand up and down your arse and squeeze it. Then i'd like to run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress.
When i get to your sweet pussy, i'd like to rub it while simultaneously ripping your dress off with my teeth, and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly.
What i need however, is a new tie."

There were 3 people in a plane,One took out an apple,took a bite,she thought it was too sweet,so threw it out of the plane.The 2nd person took out a lemon & she thought it was too sour & threw it out the plane.The 3rd person took a bite out of a Grenade & he thought it was too crunchy,so threw it out the plane.When they had landed they decided to go for a walk. They passed a little girl that was crying,they asked "little girl,little girl, why are you crying?" & the little girl said "An apple just fell from the sky & killed my kitty." Next they passed a little boy who was crying,they asked,"little boy,little boy,why are you crying?"the little boy said,"A lemon fell from the sky & killed my puppy." A little later,they passed a blonde sitting on the sidewalk laughing her butt off.They asked,"What are you laughing at?"the blonde said,"I just farted & that building behind me just blew up."

Over the past year, I've bought every single product offered on each porn site that I've visited.
My penis is now 326 feet long...
__________________________
80% of people have used condoms.
Filthy cunts, I throw mine away...
__________________________
I phoned up my local newspaper today to place a lonely heart ad.
When the guy answered he said, "What would you like me to print as your ad?"
I said, "Short, chubby guy seeks tall, blonde, large breasted females strictly for sex. No strings attached."
"I doubt that you're going to get many replies from that," the guy laughed.
"You're right," I replied. "You better add brunettes to it as well."

I was in the army once and the sergeant said to me,"What does surrender mean?"
I said,"I don't know...I give up."

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything;Trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.
I can hardly contain myself.

Velcro...what a rip off

So this cowboy walks into a German car showroom,and he says,"Audi."

I stole things in the supermarket today while balancing on the shoulders of three vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

This bloke said to me,"I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away."
I said,"That's a bit far fetched."

Winter is here and our native birds are finding food scarce.
Please go to the pet shop and buy a hanging mesh container of nuts for our feathered friends.
There is no finer sight on a winters morning than a pair of tits around your nutbag!

What do you call a Russian with three testicles?
Houdji Nikabollokov

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.Miraculously,she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch & was applying fresh lipstick when the policeman arrived."My God!" the cop gasped "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an Elephant.Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes,officer,I'm just fine" the blonde chirped."Well how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked,looking at the wreckage."Officer,it was the strangest thing!"the blonde began."I was driving along the road when out of nowhere a tree pops up in front of me.So i swerved to the right & there was another tree! I swerved to the left & there was ANOTHER tree! So i swerved to the right & there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the left & there was......" "Uh,ma'am"the officer said,cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles,That was your Air Freshener swinging back & forth."

A man was explaining to the A&E nurse how the accident happened:
"I fitted a mirror to our bedroom ceiling, but it came crashing down when the wife and i were shagging."
The nurse asked, "Who was on top."
"She was" he replied.
"I see. She had several lacerations to her head, back and legs, but could you explain how she managed to dislocate her jaw?"
"Nobody criticises my DIY."

I was taking the motorway out of London.
A police man pulled me over and said,"Put it back."

I've got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing...
...Serves him right

So I said to this train driver,"I want to go to Paris," He said,"Eurostar?"
I said,"Well I've been on telly,but I'm no Tom Cruise."

Black Beauty...he's a dark horse!!!

My mate said to me,"Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?"
I said,"Cors-I-Can."

I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags...
...He's Bisatchel

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.
It was a but choppy.

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down .

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, .


I'll pray for you!

A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field.
A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale.
All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all the cows are knocked down, but the bulls just munch on the grass.
Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are blown clean into the next pasture.
The bulls just say, "mooo..."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says,
"Moo? is that all you can say? How come the wind knocks us right over and you just stand there?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies.
"We bulls wobble but we don't fall down."