Jokes

What's the lightest thing in the world?
A penis... even a thought can raise it.

Whats white, sticky, and falls from the sky?
The cumming of the lord.

Why do women wear black underwear?
They are mourning the stiff they buried the night before.

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.
When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.'' Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?''
St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.'''

"Doctor Doctor,my arm is broken in three places."
"Well stay out those places."

Police arrested two kids yesterday:One for drinking battery acid,and the other for eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off

An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands.
Police said he Topped himself.

"Doctor Doctor,I can't stop singing green green grass of home."
"That's what we Doctors call Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Oh really?" "Is it common?"
"It's not unusual!"

Q:What do you get if you cross an Owl with a Rooster?
A:A cock that stays up all night.

Monica Lewinsky went to the dry cleaners and handed her suit to the attendant.
"There's a stain on the lapel," she said. "Can you get it off?"
The attendant, a little hard of hearing replied: "Come again?"
"No, no," says Monica. "It's coffee this time."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Vzo9gLAG...ntext-vrec

Spoof Who wants to be a Millionaire clip

Three prostitutes make a bet on who has the biggest vagina.
They take their clothes off, and start fingering themselves and each other. They can't agree, however, which has the largest snatch.
After a few minutes, one has an idea.
She squats on a glass top table so they measure the slimy deposit she leaves behind.
The second one then squats on the table and her slimy outline is even bigger.
The third squats on the table, stands back, and the first prostitute says: "You did'nt leave an outline."
She laughs, "Just smell the rim!"

Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes.

"Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"

"You ain't being robbed" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!"

The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"

A wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up a dull sex life.
She puts them on, together with a very short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband while he's watching the footy.
At the appropriate moment she crosses and uncrosses her legs.
"Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" he asks.
"Yes" she answers seductively.
"Thank fuck for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the bloody sofa."

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.
The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking fast.
He calls to the chicken to go get the farmer to help pull him to safety.
The chicken runs to get the farmer,but the farmer can't be found,so he drives the farmers Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper,He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend,the horse,and drives forward,Saving him from sinking.
A few days later,the chicken and the horse are were playing in the meadow again,and the chicken fell into the mud hole.
The chicken yelled to the horse to go get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole." So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'Thingy' and pull yourself up."
So the chicken did,and pulled himself to Safety.

The Moral Of The Story:

If your Hung like a horse,you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!!!