Jokes

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
5% said it was to get a glass of water.
12% said it was to go to the toilet.
83% said it was to go home.
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Having sex with a girl with a tattoo on the back of her neck is much like having a bathroom with a magazine in it;
It gives you something to read while you're in the shitter...
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My new girlfriend sent me a text saying "I'm choking for it as soon as I get to yours, I want you to fuck me hard in the ears."
I couldn't wait so as soon as she arrived I whipped my pecker out, grabbed hold of her and just went for it.
Then after shooting my bolt all over the side of her head she went completely fucking mental.
How I was I to know she loves anal sex but is mildly dyslexic?

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?" Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?" Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands. He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand... The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?" The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."

A young girl was having a heart to heart with her mother on her first visit home since she started university.
"Mom, i have to tell you, i lost my virginity last weekend."
"I'm not surprised" said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. Was it a romantic and pleasurable experience?
"Well mum, yes and no, The first eight guys felt great but after them my pussy got real sore."

I went to the doctors today and said: "Have you got anything for wind?"
He gave me a kite

Two Aerials on a roof,fell in love and got married...
....The reception was brilliant

I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.
I rang her up and said: "Did you get my drift?"

I went down my local supermarket and said: "I want to make a complaint,this vinegar's has got lumps in it."
He said: "Those are pickled onions Sir!"

Q:What did one posh tampon say to the other posh tampon?
A:Nothing...they're both stuck up cunts

At various times in her life, a woman is like the continents of the world.
From 13 to 18 she's like Africa - virgin territory
From 18 to 30 she's like Asia - hot and exotic
From 30 to 45 she's like America - fully explored and free with her resources.
From 45 to 55 she's like Europe - exhausted, but not without places of interest.
From 55 onwards she's like Australia - everybody knows it's down there, but nobody cares.

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."

(19-11-2012 19:15 )Cheesy Grin Wrote:  "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?" The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."

Yet again, truth is stranger than fiction.....

(02-03-2012 19:17 )mr williams Wrote:  

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

A bloke goes into the travel agents and asks for advice on the best place to go on holiday.
The travel agent says: "It depends on which football team you support."
"Man United," says the bloke.
The travel agent says: "In that case you cannot beat the canaries at this time of year!!"
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What have a nymphomaniac and my missus got in common?..... Absolutely fuck all.
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The secrets of a happy marriage...
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