Jokes

an essex schoolgirl claims to know how reproduction works and says to her mum"mummy and daddy both takes there clothes off and daddys thingy sort of sticks out and mummy puts it in her mouth and sucks it and thats how you get babies"shaking her head,her mum says"oh darling,thats so sweet,but thats not how you get babies,thats how you get jewellery,clothes and shoes"

Two Essex mums were talking. First one says; "Why does your Sharon always come home from school with dirty knees?"
"Ain't you heard" replies the other mum, proudly. "She's the new Head Girl."

What's worse than finding out your girlfriend has been cheating on you?

Finding out you girlfriend has been cheating on you, the smug fucker has filmed it, uploaded it to a streaming porn website, AND only realising all this 4 minutes into wanking over it.

I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties.

My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: She bought me some Viagra;

And I've bought her a treadmill.

I named my fish One and Two.

That way if One dies i'll still have Two.

Smart huh

i brought a fish the other day,but it turned out it was epileptic.weird thing was it was fine all the time in was in the tank.

i met an older woman at a club the other night,she wasnt bad looking for 57,after a few drinks she asked if i fancied a mother/daughter threesome.needless to say i was keen till we got back to her place and i heard her say mum"you still awake"

Essex girls favourite wine?
you promised to take me to lakeside(whine/wine)
what does an essex girl use for contraception?
her personality

what does an essex girl use for protection?
a bus stop

My best mate is called Tiba.

Sometimes I think he's a bit backwards.

They have found a cure for homosexuality!
Lip balm - you rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away.

My lesbian neighbours gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, 'I wanna watch'.

My wife said I'm too immature and if I don't grow up it's going to erect a barrier between us.
Ha ha ha, erect!!