Jokes

(29-10-2012 22:18 )Boomerangutangangbang Wrote:  If Mark Clattenburg did indeed make a racist remark then Chelsea will be left with no optition but to make him captain.

I didn't even realise Chelsea had their own Optician...obviously he has now left the club!!

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too." The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests.

An Alabama farmer walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist
"I want one of them thar condoms with pesticide on it. Where do i find them." The pharmacist replies "Sir, i think you mean the condoms with spermicide. They're on aisle two."
"No" insists the farmer, i want them thar ones with pesticide on them"
"Sir, Pesticide is for killing insects, spermicide is for killing sperm. I'm sure you mean spermicide rather than pesticide."
"Listen" snapped the farmer,"my wifes got a bug up her ass and i'm goin a huntin for it, so give me one of them thar condoms with pesticide on it."

Honestly, you just can't win with women nowadays. All I did was hold the door open for this girl and she started shouting at me

"WILL YOU PISS OFF, I'M TRYING TO HAVE A SHIT!!!!!!"

A couple drives to the hospital because the wife is in labor. The doctor alerts them that she invented a machine that will transfer some of the labor pain to the father, if they'd like. The husband eagerly says, "Give it all to me!" The couple returns home with a bouncing baby boy, only to find the mailman dead on their lawn.

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy and the chief was so delighted he built her a teepee made of deerhide. A few days later the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy and built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third gave birth a few days after, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two-storey teepee, using hippopottamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occured. Many tried and failed. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife gave birth to twin boys.
"Correct" said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The brave replied, "Its elementary, really - the value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

If you think that you aren't creative.Buy a gym membership & see how many excuses you find not to use it.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg, gets invited to a Halloween party. Unsure of what costume would hide his head and leg he contacts a fancy dress company for ideas. A few days later he recieves a parcel with a letter saying: "Please find enclosed a pirates costume, the bandana will cover your head and with your wooden leg you'd make a fabulous pirate." The man was outraged as the outfit drew attention to his wooden leg, and wrote a letter of complaint back to the company. A few days later another parcel arrives and the letter reads: "So sorry about that, here's a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will look the part." The man was livid because this time it drew attention to his bald head, and wrote another scathing letter to the company. The next day he recieved another parcel and the letter read: "Please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a bloody toffee apple!."

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,wondering what explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a great time!"

Terry joined the army and was terrified about having to make his first parachute jump.
On the day of the jump he told his wife he couldn't do it,but his wife reassured him and sent him off to do the jump.
On his return she asked him how it went.
"Dreadful!" he said."When the plane got to 10.000ft,we lined up for the jump,and when it got to my turn,I just froze at the doorway!"
"So what happened?" she asked.
"The Sergeant came up behind me and pulled out his huge dick and said if I didn't jump he'd stick it right up my arse!" said the embarrassed husband.
"Well,did you jump? she asked.
"Yes - a little bit at first..."