Jokes

My girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with Tommy Cooper.
With a lump in my throat and a scramble for words before she left,I asked......
"Just like that?"

A girl calls her mum up, "Mum I'm getting a divorce"
"Why's that" asks her concerned mum
"Well all he wants is anal sex, I used to have a lovely tight little bum hole the size of a 5p piece, now it's more the size of a 50p piece"
Her mother pauses then says "Listen sweetie, you've a lovely home, a brand new porsche, platinum credit cards, a second home in spain, the kids are in private school and you have half a dozen holidays a year, and you want to give that up for the sake of 45p???"

A guy drove past an isolated farm and was horrified to see an old woman yanking on her boobs while an old man was jerking off. The driver was so freaked out by this that he stopped at the next house.

"What's up with your neighbours?" he asked.

"Oh thats the Browns, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
did??!"
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a loaf of bread, the birds were all over me

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County , a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby "No, don't be in a hurry

to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.





The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . .. . . . . . .
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

My girlfriend says she leaving me because of my obsession with becoming a world renowned pyschic......

.......That's what she thinks

Dan staggers through the front door after a night on the piss with a sheep under his arm. He stumbles up the stairs and into the bedroom where his wife is sitting up waiting for him, a look like thunder on her face.

"Look," says Dan. "You see what I have to shag when you're not in the mood?"

"It's a sheep", says the wife.

To which Dan replies, "Yeah. And I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

The local Physic's have been forced to cancel tonight's meeting at the town hall due to unforeseen circumstances