Jokes

Husband says to his wife, "Everytime I look at myself in the mirror,I get a hard on."
Wife replies, "That's because you look like a cunt."

Man says to his wife, "Tell me something that will make me both happy and sad."
Wife replies, "OK," "You have a bigger cock than your brother."

A blonde girl is sobbing her heart out to her mate,
I am sick of people being being rude and spiteful to me just because I am blonde,calling me thick and dumb,
Her mate says why dont you dye your hair that way people wont give you so much stick.So she goes home and dyes her hair.
The next morning she gets up and looks in the mirror,see her new hair colour and feels happy,knowing people wont take the piss because she is blonde and calling her thick,she goes down stairs picks up the paper and for the first time ever completes the crossword,christ she thinks this new hair colour is really working,that afternoon she goes to the pub and joins in the local quiz team,and gets most of her teams questions right.Every one is full of praise for her and she is as happy as fuck,his new hair is brilliant she thinks to herself,no more dumb blonde for me,on the way home she sees a farmer leaning on his gate,she stops and says to the farmer,if I can tell you how many sheep you have in your field can I have one,as I always wanted one as a pet,the farmer agrees.She looks out over the field at the sheep and says 345,the farmer says bloody hell you are right so you may take one,so she takes one and puts it in her car and is about to drive off when the farmer says,hold up you have dyed your hair ,your really blonde arent you,how do you know that she says,the farmer replies,give me my fucking sheepdog back.

Police have reported that after further observations it turns out that the Lion in Essex is just a Snow Leopard with a spray tan & hair extensions.

Man in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth.
"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"
Nurse raises his gown,holds his cock in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She takes a good look and says,"There's nothing wrong with them sir."
Man pulls of the oxygen mask, smiles and says "Thanks for that....but I was just wandering if my Test-Results-Back?"

A drunk is showing off his new apartment to two of his friends one night.
The drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of his friends asks.

"That's not a gong,It's a talking clock." the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yep," replied the drunk,"Watch"

The drunk picked up a hammer and gave the gong a shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood back looking at each other for a moment,when all of a sudden a voice from the other side of the wall screams......

"You fucking idiot,its ten past three in the morning."

Met my dream girl yesterday,she a narcoleptic.

My lazy unemployed brother just got a job as a park keeper the other week...
He's turned over a new leaf.

Have you heard,Will.I.Am has a lazy younger brother?
He's called Will.I.Fuck

Inspecting mirrors is a job that I could really see myself doing.

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet roll.

Two interesting facts about me.

1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos.