Jokes

A man phones a taxi company because his cab hasn't turned up. "I'm supposed to be at the airport for nine o' clock" he says. "Don't worry" replies the lady on the phone, "the taxi will get you there before your plane leaves." The man replies "I know it will, I'm the pilot."

"Give it to me!" she said, "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"

I didn't give her back the umbrella though.

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I was talking to a fat lass with huge tits last night.

"My eyes are up here..." I said, as she looked down at the kebab in my hand.

I think it's terrible the amount of jokes going around about the Irish people & I for one am going to stop right now,so I am.

A blonde man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co- workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened.
So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beaten really badly! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."
At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"
"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in."

Q:What do you call a prostitute with no arms and no legs?
A:Cash & Carry

I said to mate,"I saw some angry Monarchs in a train station."
"Kings Cross?"he replied.
"They certainly were,"I said

I saw a man with an unusual stringed instrument that he claimed was a guitar.Lyre.

There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!"
The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?"
The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette."
"Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.
So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"
The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast."
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.
"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.
He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.
The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!
"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"
The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

A man goes into the doctor's examination room.
When the doctor finally enters he instructs the man to remove his hat.
When the gentleman complies,the doctor is stunned to find a Bullfrog apparently growing from the man's forehead.
"My God!" the doctor cried, "How did this happen?"
"I don't know," the frog calmly replied,"But it started out as a wart on my arse."

I spotted a Native American making smoke signals,so I asked him what he was saying."Help ! My fucking blanket's on fire " He replied.

I fancied a fruit juice,but all I had was a glass,an orange & a tramp.I sqeezed the orange on top of the tramps head & tried to catch the contents but it went everwhere.In the end I had to settle for a glass of water.Oh well,beggars can't be juicers