Jokes

Foreign Aid :- Poor people in a rich country sending money to rich people in a poor country.

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breast.
"Really?" she said "Go on then....try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling,she began to loose patients.
"Come on,"she said,"What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.

My wife will go spare when she finds out I've lost her only copy of Beethovens Unfinished Symphony.I'll never here the end of it.

Q:Did you hear about the bloke with five penises?
A:His pants fit like a glove

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest,I only wanted to rough him up a bit

A very prestigious wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a colleague of the husband enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Matt ?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

I like how at the end of Hollyoaks a voice says "If you've been affected by any issues in this programme please phone this number"..

So I phoned and I said "Hello...I can't act either".

I love looking at good palindromes.

Mainly tit and boob.

I deleted all the German people from my phone book..... Now I'm Hans Free !

My girlfriend has just text me from the Hair Salon,I'm getting a wet cut.I'm hoping she's missed a letter out.

The fukker in charge of the Norwich- QPR game, cost me an accumulator, the dizzy cunt! a joke annoyed!