Jokes

Spelling is important, look! The difference between won and one:

Great Britain have just won gold.

Australia have just one gold.

My wife said she's leaving me because apparently I have a fetish for electrical surges.

I was shocked when I heard this.

When my grandad and his best mate finally came to terms with the fact that they were impotent,they stuck their cock together with super glue.
Guess It's true what they say.
If you can't beat them,join them.

If you have sex with a prostitute without consent,is that rape or shoplifting?

Q:What's 30 feet long an smells like piss?
A:Line dancing at a nursing home.

What's 120mm in diameter,silver & cover in dust ? The Australian National Anthem CD.

I borrowed some money off a doctor friend of mine. The next day I was in his surgery and he said I had six months to live. I said I couldn't pay him back so he gave me another six months.

This man walks into a bar with a really great expensive shirt on. The barman says, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "Christian Dior." A second man walks into the bar wearing a really superb expensive pair of trousers and the barman asks, "where'd you get the great trousers mate?" The man replies, "Christian Dior." A third man walks into the bar with some really nice looking espensive shoes and socks on. The barman asks, where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "Christian Dior." Then a fourth guy runs in stark naked and the barman says, "hey, you can't come in here like that, who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm Christian Dior! I've just been mugged!"

A bar owner in the old wild west has just hired a new timid, shy bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big Bad Billy is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!" A few weeks pass uneventfully by. Then one afternoon a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big Bad Billy is coming to town! Run for your lives!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up he sees a large man approaching the saloon, 7 feet tall, mean and muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside and demands, "I want a beer now!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar nearly splitting it in half. The bartender, hands shaking, nervously hands the big man a bottle of beer. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out. "Dang it, I don't have time!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town. Didn't ya hear Big Bad Billy is a-comin?"

Q:How can you tell that a woman is having a bad day?
A:She has a tampon behind her ear,and she can't find her cigarette.

As I walked out of my front door with my bags last night,I looked back at my wife and said,"Are you sure about this?it doesn't feel right?"
"Yes,I'm sure,"she replied,"Your a lazy bastard and It's about time."
"What about the kids?" I asked.
"They're busy watching tv"she said,"Now be a man for once and put the rubbish out."

Barny the Bat flew back in his cave system looking pretty busted up,his face all bloodied & missing a few Bat teeth.
His fellow Bats asked,"What happened to you?"
Barney said "Follow me and I'll show you."
So off they all flew following Barny.
"You see that tree over their?"Barny said.
"We've never that before,"the other Bats said.
"Neither the fuck did I" said Barny.

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" He drinks it and orders another beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The landlord looks confused. This goes on for a while and after the fifth beer the landlord is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him.
After talking to her for a while he tells his daughter she can't do it because he is her half brother.
The following week the daughter brings another boyfriend home but again her father tells her she can't marry him either because he is also her half brother.
The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get really annoyed.
She goes to her mum and says: "Mum, what have you been doing all your life time? Dad has been going around laying every maiden in town and now I can't marry any of the guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!"
Her mum replies: "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he's not your dad!"

This was retweeted by none other than the lovely Fernanda Ferrari:

Boy: "Why do you straighten your hair?"

Girl: "Because it makes it longer."

Doctor: "Okay, tell me again how you burned your penis?"

I worked so hard to loacate all my old classmates from school and threw a huge reunion party.
During the night,I was asked if I had followed my childhood dream of becoming a Gynaecologist.
"Not quite." I replied.
"But I did manage to look up you cunts."

It's really is horrible when you want it so badly it hurts.....
......I've been constipated for 3 fucking days now.

My memory foam mattress is that good,it just reminded me of a fart I did 20 minutes ago.