Jokes

I was talking to a girl with a huge pair of tits last night.She said "Do you want to come back to my place ?" I replied "Sure" "But get rid of those two tits you came with" She said,pointing to my mates.

Leprechauns

A gorgeous blonde was sitting at a bar when a very short guy walks up to her.

"Hi," he says. "I'm a leprechaun and I'm in a wonderful mood today. I'm going to grant three wishes for you."

"Hey, that's great! For my first wish I'd like a million dollars," she said.

The leprechaun waves his arms and says "Done. In the trunk of your car is a suitcase with one million dollars in it. What is your second wish?"

"For my second wish I'd like a fancy apartment on Fifth Avenue."

The leprechaun waves his arms again and says, "It's yours, and I even threw in the furnishings. Now, for your final wish."

The blonde replies, "I want a boyfriend who looks like a Greek god and is hung like a horse!"

"Done!" says the leprechaun. "He is waiting for you in the bed at your new apartment."

"Wow!! This was so nice of you! I've got to go see him right away!" and she jumps up from the bar stool.

"Hey, wait a minute!" the leprechaun says. Don't you think you owe me a small favor in return for everything I've given you?"

"Well...ok. What did you have in mind?" she asks.

"I think a blow job would be a fair trade."

The blonde agrees, so they go over to a dark corner in the bar and she accomodates him. Afterwards, he says "By the way...how old are you, anyway?"

"I'm 25. Why do you ask?"

He replies, "You mean to tell me you are 25 years old and you still believe in leprechauns?"

Headstone

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

I asked my mate Pierre about his Ethnic Origin."Well I was born in Paris to Polish descendants" he replied.Which makes him a Tad- Pole but mostly Frog.

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

"That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

Busy Night

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.

Brunette: Last night I had three orgasms in a row!

Blonde: That's nothing, last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Blonde: Oh, you mean with one guy?!?

They say that a dogs a mans best friend,but I don't have many enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a shit on my carpet.

I was talking to a fat lass with huge tits last night.
"My eyes are up here..." I said,as she looked down at the kebab in my hand.

I was furious when I found my wife's profile on a online dating website.
That lying bitch isn't, "Fun to be around."

Sign language in the bedroom

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

Hypnotists rekon they can cure alcoholism mearly by implanting an idea into the drinker's head.It's a sobering thought.