Jokes

Two eggs boiling in a pan,one male one female.
The female egg says "Look,I've got a crack".
"No good telling me" replies the male egg,"I'm not hard yet"

What does a dwarf get if he runs through a woman's legs???.....
A: A clit around the ear and a flap in the mouth.

A newly married man was standing in front of a mirror naked admiring his physique
"2 inches more and I will be a king"

Suddenly the wife comes in and says,
"2 inches less and you will be a queen!"

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

Cheesy Grin the Forums King of Comedy is back ! Those who've joined in the last six months or so wont know that he owned this thread & has returned to regain his crown !

In a courtroom, a pursesnatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere." At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"

I've just become Professor of Palindromes.I'm now known as Dr Awkward.

It was tight in the toilet cubicle and she was bending over,knickers round her ankles with her bare arse in the air.I could see her hairy minge all wet,and then she started pointing impatiently to her arsehole,"Come on,hurry up and do it!"she shrieked."What are you waiting for?"
"Protection love!"I said calmly
"But I need you to do it now!"she moaned"It's all warm and sticky and I can't wait much longer!"
So quietly I put on some rubber gloves and wiped her arse.
God I hate working in that care home

Have you heard that Mickey mouse & Minnie mouse are getting a divorce?
Yes It's sad,but Mickey went to see a divorce lawyer and explained what was going on and why he wanted a divorce.The lawyer was shocked and told Mickey he would have to do some checking and for Mickey to come back in a week.
The following week Mickey showed up and the lawyer told him,"I've been investigating your allegations and I don't think you can prove that Minnie is crazy."
"Crazy?" Mickey asked."I didn't say she was crazy,I said she was fucking Goofy!!!"

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.They start discussing buisness and one of the prostitutes said "Yep,It's gonna be a good night,I smell cock in the air".
The other prostitute looked at her and said "No,I just burped".

Two monkeys sitting in a bath together. First monkey says "ooh ooh ooh aah aah ooh". Second monkey says "well put some cold in it then".