Jokes

what should you do if an elephant comes through the window?

start swimming

How do you get a Champagne cork back in the bottle?

Ask a Manchester United fan!!

Santa Problems

Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying "Ho -ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."

Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she queried . Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said "Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."

Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?"

With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said "Ho - ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." And with that, he turned and left. Several minutes passed, and Santa re-appeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful woman.

"Santa---you decided to stay??" she asked.

Santa grinned, looking at his crotch and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"

As I stared into the eyes of my newly born son only one thought was in my head.......

.......'all I wanted was a blowjob'.

Do budgies wake up each day and think to themselves, "Bars, bread and water....what have I done to deserve this?"

When I was a child my parents made me and my brother live in the bonnet of their car,

life was tough growing up in the hood.

So there's this protest called "Take Back the Night" in my town tonight. A bunch of women and feminist supporters are walking around with picket signs dressed in neon orange with rape alarms talking about taking the night back from predators and rapists...fucking ruined my plans for the weekend.

I just had a argument with my girlfriend over the phone, I ended up slamming it down.
She rang me back almost instantly, "DID YOU JUST HANG UP ON ME?!" she howled down the line ...

"I'm not sure, did it sound like this?", I then slammed the phone down again.

The Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

I was watching the BBC News Channel this morning and the man said "It looks as if Summer will be here by Tuesday"

It wasn't the weather forecaster, it was a spokesman for a Florida firm of Undertakers.....