Jokes

Two women are arguing about which has the smarter dog. The first woman says "my dog's so smart, every morning he runs to the newsagents with money in his mouth, buys a paper, runs back, lets himself in to the house and brings it me in bed." The second woman says "I know." The first woman asks "how do you know?" To which the second woman replies "my dog told me."

3 couples go camping,men in one tent women in another.1 bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and says to his mate ,im just going next door to fugk my wife ive got the biggest hard on ive had for years. his mate says id better come with you then .its my cock youve got hold of

THE SYMPATHETIC SCOTSMAN


A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were held up by a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"
The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."
The Priest said, "Here comes George the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."
The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.

Then the Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."
The Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."
And the Scotsman said, "Why kin they no play at night?”

My wife said, "Bob Holness is dead."

I said, "Who's that?"

She said, "He was in Blockbusters."

I said, "Fuck me, how long was the queue?"

Barack Obama has announced that US defence spending will be cut to $660 billion a year, meaning that the USA no longer has the highest annual defence budget in the world.

That honour now goes to Manchester City.

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Went for my routine check up the other day and everything was going fine until he stuck a finger up my arse...

I think I need a new dentist!

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.

Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"

The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

Poor Bob holness, only been at the pearly gates five minutes, when Amy Winehouse stumbles over and asks "can I have an E please Bob"

The average male ejaculates over 500 million sperm in one shot,enough to impregnate every woman in Europe.Or almost enough to cover one womans chin.