Jokes

Granny Knot, Surgeon's Knot, Hangman's Knot, Square Knot, I can't do any of them.But my headphones sure fucking can !

my wife called me upstairs to the bedroom earlier. look what i found in the cupboard crotchless knickers she said as she seductively modelled them. i didnt have the heart to tell the fat bitch it was one of my vests

Just seen Chris Rea driving past, wonder where he's going

*googles "chris rea"*..... oh, i get it.... funny

why men should not become agony aunts.
dear jim
i left home for work the other day and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldnt start again so i walked back home and found my husband in bed with our 19year old babysitter he confessed that it had been going on for a couple years.
can you help me im desparate
dear reader
the most common cause for cars breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines,
hope this helps
jim

"Ladies and gents.".... That concludes our tour of the toilets.    

My wife came in from Christmas shopping with 10 cases of larger,5 cases of bitter,12 bottles of wine,6 bottles of spirits & 2 loaves of bread.I said "Are we having a party ?" She said "No why" I said "Why have you bought 2 fucking loaves of bread then?"

2 italian men talking on a bus.the lady sitting them ignores them at first,but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following...
emma come first den i come den two asses come together.i come once a more two asses, they come again together.i come again and pee twice..then i come one lasta time.
the lady cant take this any more,you foul mouthed sex obsessed pig she shouted in this country we dont speak in public about our sex lives,
hey coola down lady said the man im a just tellin my friend how to spell mississppi
(i bet you read this again)

Hear about the Cross Dressing Christmas party ?

Everyone can eat drink and be Mary


I bought a Christmas Tree today the man in the shop said "are you planning on putting it up yourself?" I said "no Im gonna put it up in the living room like everyone else, do you think Im some sort of pervert"

my wife says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career and a family.shes obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees while having a wank