Jokes

I tried to strangle a vegetable farmer the other day, but he was too artichoke  

Forget about the past - you can't change it.
Forget about the future - you can't predict it.
Forget about the present - I didn't buy you one.... you cu/\/t.      

He laid her on the table,so white and clean bare.His forehead wet with beads of sweat,he rubbed her here and there.He touched her neck and felt her breast,then drooling felt her thigh.The slit was wet and all was set,he gave a joyous cry.The hole was wide,he looked inside,all was dark and murky.He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms........ Then stuffed the christmas turkey

Piers Morgan is only being filmed from the waist up during the Leveson enquiry,because his pants are obviously on fire.

Got the bus into town yesterday to do some Christmas shopping with my youngest daughter.
Much to my delight a few of her friends were on the bus too, so I was having great fun mucking around and embarrassing her in front of her mates, like any dad would do.
"Dad," she hissed, finally, "Please sit down and put your cock away!"

Before his 2001 inauguration, George W Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton 's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. 'Just think,' he said, 'when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too.
But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!'

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill . . . "I found out who pissed in your Saxophone....."

a man goes to bed and reaches over to his wife.starts sliding his hand slowly across her shoulders then down her side just glancing her breasts then he carries on down her side and legs.he slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down her inner thigh.he slows and moves back towards the top and stops as his wife gasps,why have you stopped?he replies ive found the remote go back to sleep

(19-12-2011 16:36 )mr williams Wrote:  (ps: anybody seen/heard from Cheesy Grin? He hasn't been around for more than a month)

I've been wondering where he disappeared to as well,I PM'd him awhile ago but got no reply...maybe Frank Carson and Jasper Carrot killed him in a drive-by shooting for stealing their jokes?

(20-12-2011 15:33 )handsomeSOB Wrote:   
"For God's sake, I'm working Christmas day!" Said the vicar.    

oscar wilde is supposed to have said "if xmas isn't about too much eating drinking and having a good time what is it about, eh vicar?"

i'd kill for a nobel peace prize

Two Essex girls are getting ready for bed on Christmas Eve. One goes to say goodnight to her housemate, and sees her in her room sleeping above the covers, spreadeagled and naked with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk at her crotch. When the first girl asks, "What are you doing?", the naked girl says, "I don't know if it's a dream or not, but Santa always comes, eats the cookies and milk and then we have some wonderful hot sex. "The other girl says "I'm really horny, I'm going to try it too. "Next morning, the first girl is in the kitchen all aglow, whistling and making breakfast. When the second girl comes down, she looks like death warmed over. The first girl says, "It happened again - Santa came, ate the cookies and milk, and we made glorious love. Look, he left me a note; 'Merry Christmas Tracey, thank you for being a naughty but nice girl again. See you next Christmas, Santa'...."The other girl says "I feel like shit, look at my note: 'Thanks, you were great - from Rudolph, Dasher, Prancer, Vixen...'"