Jokes

I can't believe people make jokes about cancer patients with no fathers.
Sick bastards.    

ann summers new vibrator is so realistic that just before she reaches climax it cums farts goes limp rolls over and switches itself off

He sees you when you're sleeping?
He knows when you're awake?... Santa's a fucking pedo!

I've been scratching my head wondering what to ask for this Christmas.

Maybe some headlice treatment.    

Life would be much easier if Christmas decorations grew on trees.

2 O.A.Ps having oral sex the bloke says i cant stay down here much longer it stinks. I know she says its my arthritis. what in your fanny. No in my arm i cant wipe my arse.

I can't believe nobody even congratulated me on the hat trick I scored today.

Although I guess it would have been a bit more impressive if we hadn't lost 2-1.  

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
Half of Essex    

My dyslexic mate has just put a load of black dots on his Christmas tree.
'What are they for?' I asked. 'They're my Christmas tree coordinates.'

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the woods when she sees the wolf hiding behind a bush. Playfully she slips behind him and taps him on the shoulder. "My, what big eyes you have!" she says. The wolf runs off and hides behind another bush. Little Red Riding Hood follows him and taps him on the shoulder again. "My, what a big nose you have!" she says. The wolf yelps and runs off to hide behind another bush. Little Red Riding Hood follows him again and again taps him on the shoulder. "My, what big teeth you have!" she says. The wolf turns on her and says "Do you mind? I'm trying to have a crap!"