Jokes

a dinosaur with no eyes is a doyouthinkhesawus

I hate stubborn people and nothing you can do or say will make me change my mind

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Restaurant on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Restaurant about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Restaurant?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,

"How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

I was in a train toilet today when I heard a knock on the door."Can I see your ticket please" the man said."Not right now" I shouted "I'm having a shit" He said "I don't believe you,can you pass it under the door ?" "No problem" I said sliding it under "the yellow bits are sweetcorn"

Signs that you are too drunk would be...


•You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
•You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
•Job interfering with your drinking.
•Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
•The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
•Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
•24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
•Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
•You can focus better with one eye closed.
•The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
•Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
•Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
•Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
•At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
•Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
•You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
•The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

i just got a PM from admin asking to change my password to 8 characters... i decided to use snow white and the seven dwarfs

I've just found out that mrs w suffers with photosensitive epilepsy.

She saw a snap of me kissing her sister and had a fit!

what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

Whats the difference between jam and jelly?

I don't want to jelly my dick in you

I said to the wife she should shave her T-wat to try and spice up our sex life... I woke up this morning bald!