Jokes

This morning i thought i'd play a little joke on my girlfriend so i swapped her tampons with party poppers...

Absolutely no sense of humour that girl!

Apparently oysters can switch their gender back & forth.Personally I think that their inability to make a fucking decision proves they're 100% female.

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one anoth...er and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."

My wife came home the other day with a vibrator.She started waving it about & screamed at me "I don't need you now I don't need you now !" Guess who had to put the batteries in ?

If you want a laugh go to damnyouautocorrect.com

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis."

The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"

I fell asleep on my first night working for the Samaritans.When I work up I had 26 missed calls.Don't think they were that important cos when I rang back nobody answered.

A FARMER in Devon has successfully grown a field of dildos - but apparently, he's having trouble with squatters.

What do vegan zombies eat?
Graiinnnzzz.

I've just been threatened by an agoraphobic.
He said: "Oi, you - inside"

What did the amnesiac say to the barmaid?
Do I come here often?

My son walked in today with his new girlfriend.

"This is Sarah," he burst out.

"I've heard a lot about you," I smiled.

"Really? All good I hope," she smirked.

"Oh yes, he's a lucky boy," I replied. "It was a year before his mother let me do her up the arse."

I've just had a Lord of the Rings themed kitchen fitted.My wife loves the Hob bit.