Jokes

A man had been lost and wandering in the Chinese wilderness for 3 months. All he had to eat was what he could forage and was forced to sleep wherever he could find meager shelter.

One day he came upon an old farm house. In answer to his knock, an old Chinese gentleman asked "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"I have been lost in the wilderness for 3 months and have not had a decent meal or nights sleep in just as long. May I stay the night?"

The old man agreed under the condition that there be no messing with his granddaughter. "I will cause you no trouble," the man said.

"That's very good," said the old man, "because if I catch you with my granddaughter, you will suffer the three most severe Chinese tortures."

The granddaughter attended the evening meal and the man was awestruck by her beauty. Since he had been alone for so long and she had not been with a man in her life, they could hardly keep their eyes off of each other during the meal.

Later that night the man crept into her room and they had a terrific time together. They were careful to be quiet lest they awaken the grandfather. Afterwards, the man returned to his room (on the third floor), and thought:

"That marvelous experience was worth enduring a thousand tortures." He then fell promptly asleep and had the best sleep in three months.

Upon awakening, he felt an incredible weight on his chest. He then realized that there was a 100 pound rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that read: "1st Chinese Torture - 100 Pound Rock On Chest."

This is some lame torture thought the man as he carried it over to the window and threw it out. Then he noticed another sign on the bottom of the rock: "2nd Chinese torture - Right Testicle Tied To Rock." Knowing that it was too late to catch the rock, the man hurled himself out of the window after it. Passing through the window the man saw a third sign on the window ledge: "3rd Chinese Torture - Left Testicle Tied To Bedpost."

Books Never Written  

Hole In The Mattress, by: Mr. Completely

I Was a Justice of the Peace and an Undertaker, by: Marion N. Berrian

Down With Government, by: Ann Arky

Do You Hear Chimes, by: Isabel Ringin

Italian Cooking, by: Lynn Gweenie

Everyone Hates Me, by: Perry Noid

Oh, how I Hate Spiders, by: Eric Nafobia

A History of Urinals, by: Dick Trickle

Enigma, by: Mr. E

In the Ghetto, by: I. M. Black

If I Only Had a Brain, by: Sarah Belle M.

Cooking Chicken The Right Way, by: Sam & Ella

Hear about the impressionist who froze on stage ?

Someone heckled "dont just stand there do someone"

My mate showed me a photograph of my new girlfriend.

"You could've got an up to date photo" I laughed. "Not one of her 15 years ago looking cute in her school uniform!"

"You cheeky sod!!" he said. "That was taken last Tuesday."

(23-10-2011 15:28 )whoopah Wrote:  Books Never Written  

I always liked "Guide to Russian Billiards" by Inoff The Red

and "The Russian who had a Terrible Accident" by Enoch Tisbollockoff

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Paul McCartney and his new wife have had their first row he accuses her of spending twice as much on shoes than the last one

A man desperate at Manchester United's current situation decides to top himself. In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full Manchester United kit as his last statement. A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident through the window, informs the police. On arrival, the police break in and quickly remove the Manchester United kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The neighbour, totally confused asks why.

The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing his family."

I'll never forget the moment I met my wife.It was a fancy dress party.She stood there looking gorgeous & slim,with her fat mate.They'd gone together dressed as the No.10.I knew there & then that she was the one.

I heard that Manchester City Council have set up a phone line for desperate Man Utd fans to call in case of feeling depressed enough to want to top themselves..... It's 0161 (the code for manchester) 6-1 6-1 6-1 .............!!