Jokes

A woman answers a knock at the door to see a Jehovah's witness stood there. "Come in" she says. "Please, sit down". She goes into the kitchen and brings him a cup of tea. "Now then, what would you like to talk about?" The Jehovah's witness replies : "I wouldn't know, i've never got this far"

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son....."Go get your Mother.

Out of respect for his son, Wayne Rooney's dad has said that he will not be making any comments about his arrest for betting fraud untill after englands 1-1 draw with Montenegro tonight!

Apparently Wayne Rooney is said to be totally devistated about his 80th minute sending off later tonight.


My FIFA 12 disc broke so I have sent it to Steve Jennings and Wayne Rooney Sr. as I've heard they're good at fixing football games.

Elton John says to Rod Stewart, "I've just got a vintage Rolls Royce for my collection!"

Rod asks, "What Reg?"

Elton shouts, "I SAID, I'VE JUST GOT A VINTAGE ROLLS ROYCE, YOU DEAF C***."

(06-10-2011 17:28 )Boomerangutangangbang Wrote:  You know you've had a good shit when you come back & your screensaver is on.

I'm one of those people that likes to read while I'm having a shit.

This is also the reason why I'm banned from Waterstone's.

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

Whats the difference between a tea bag and the England National Rugby team?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.....

A new age traveller says to his girlfriend "I have some flavoured condoms turn out the light and see if you can guess the flavour"

after a few minutes his girlfriend says "is it sour cream and onion ?"

he says "hold on I havent put it on yet"

A question for Bill Clinton: "What was Miss Lewinsky's most memorable feature?"
"She has the whitest teeth I've ever come across"