Jokes

Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

A girl phone me the other day & said "Come over there's nobody home" I went over.Nobody was home.

i was talking to this girl, i said, "what's your name", she said, "chantelle", i said, "oh, go on, i wanna know!"

i was playing tennis with a napkin, i said, "hey! don't serviette!"

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

''I'll have a consonant please, another consonant and...... another consonant, a consonant again, another consonant, a consonant....... another consonant, consonant again, and, finally, a consonant.''

And that is why there isn't a Welsh version of Countdown

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He would toss them in the air and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and he turned to answer her, a peanut fell into his ear. He tried to get it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife to help and after hours of trying became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughters date said that he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to stick two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter cheered with joy. The young man said that it was nothing. Once he had gone, the mother turned to the father and said "that's so wonderful! isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he gets older? The father replies "from the smell of his fingers our son in law":(

My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sex.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.

"Making you someone to play with," I said.

"A brother?" she asked excitingly.

"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

GERMAN JOKES

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it is far more efficient in both time and money to change it yourself. Failing that, ask a relative or neighbour to change it for you.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

A little goes to the Barbers with her dad & stands next to his chair eating a cake while her dad gets a haircut.The barber smiles at her & says "your gonna get hair on your muffin" "I know" she says "I'm gonna get tits too you dirty bastard"