Jokes

(30-07-2011 20:08 )Boomerangutangangbang Wrote:  My girlfriend just said to me "Did you know butterflies only live for 2 days ?" I said " Honey I think that's a myth" She said "No it's definitely a butterfly"

Two caterpillars were talking when a butterfly flew overhead.
"What the hell is that?" asked the Caterpillar.
"I dont know" replied his mate "But you will never get me up in one of them things".

Shane and Phil were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Phil said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Shane says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Phil wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Shane. Shane says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Phil says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Shane says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Phil says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand '

(28-07-2011 20:20 )Boomerangutangangbang Wrote:  I took this really kinky girl home the other night,we had the weirdest sex ever.She kept putting ants up my arse.I said "this is a bit weird" "A bit weird" she replied "you wait til the Aardvark gets here"

I don't think you've got anything to worry about, everybody knows aardvark never hurt anybody!!

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "CLERICAL ASSISTANT WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

This farmer recieved a letter from the Department for Work and Pensions saying they suspected that he was not paying his eployees the statutory minimum wage. The next step, said the department, would be a personal interview, and on the appointed day an inspector turned up. "Tell me all about your employees" he demanded. "Well", said the farmer, "there's the farmhand, I pay him £300 a week, and he has a free cottage for him and his family." he continues "Then there's the housekeeper, She gets £250 a week, along with free board and lodging, Then there's the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whiskey and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with the missus." The inspector exclaims "That's discraceful, I want to interview the half-wit." The farmer replies "That'll be me then."

My Girlfriend says she loves surprises yet you should have seen the fuss she kicked up when she caught me in bed with her Mum

i just want to quickly sing an old favourite, ahem... ♪red rum♪ lol

a man suspects his wife is having an affair so he hires a chinese detective to spy on his wife. Next day this detective arrives and the man informs him to write down everything that happens as his english wasnt great, anyway next day the detective left the note for the husband which read
" you leave house i watch
he arrive at house i watch
he and she leave house i follow
he and she get on train i follow
he and she book hotel i climb tree look through window
he kiss she, she kiss he
he strip she, she strip he
she play with he, he play with she
i play with me, and fell out of tree!!!!

Little Red Riding Hood was walking in the forest,when all of a sudden the Big Bad Wolf jumped out & said "Take your blouse off I can suck your tits" Little Red Riding Hood pulls down her knickers,lies on the ground & says "Fuck off & eat me like the book fuckin says"

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet. She shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter, finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support. She ask's the sales clerk, Ddddooo youuuu hhavveee ddddddiiillllldos? The clerk politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "yes we do have dildos, actually we carry many different models. The old dear then ask's "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa bbllaaackkk onne, ttten inchessssss lllong aaand aabboutt tttwoo inchessss ththiiccckkk tthhaatt vibbbrraaaaaatttteeeessss? The clerk responds, "yes we do". The old lady replies, Ddddoooo yooooouuuu Knnnnoooowww Hhooww tttooo ttturrrnnnn ttthee ffffffuuucccckkkkinggg tttthhinggg ooffffffff!!!!!!!