Jokes

For 8 years Amy Winehouse was considered mainstream.

Now it looks like she's going underground.

While out walking with the missus this morning, she suddenly stopped and removed her shoe, complaining about there being a stone in it. I told her, "There's about 20 stone in the other one, so keep walking, fatty!"

"The postman's a long time coming", said the lady of the house, as she tried to open her letters with one hand.

Wanna get laid tonight ? ...Crawl up a chickens arse & wait.

A Scottish women walks into her bedroom & finds her husband simulating sex with his wellie." Hamish" she "You dirty bastard...Stop fuckin aboot "

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest, "Bless me father for I have sinned," he says. "I've spent the week with pretty ladies". The Priest responds, "Don't fret my son, all you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it". "Will that cleanse my sin from me?" asks the bloke. The priest responds "No, but it'll wipe that stupid grin off your face!"

Two caterpillars are out for a walk and one spots a butterfly. He says to his pal: "You'll never get me up in one of them!"

My wife asked me if she pleased me in bed. I said "Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." she asked "what trick?" I replied, "The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"

Woman walks into a grocers & asks for a cucumber."Do you want it sliced love ?" asks the grocer. "What for ?" says the woman "its a fanny I've got not a fuckin slot machine"

I phoned 999 to ask what time the next train from Victoria Station was due. After a lecture about it not being an emergency, I told the operator: "It is for me, I'm tied to the tracks!"

Rupert Murdoch says he is deeply touched by all the farewell messages left on Amy Winehouse's phone