Jokes

My Passport application asked if I have a criminal record I said James Blunt's greatest hits

i was told i needed a passport to leave the country, i wanted to know what branch i was on lol
(C-UNT TREE)

At first, I didn't believe my father stole from his job as a lollipop man, but the signs were there.

i sent someone a text. they replied, "srry wat did u say"

(that's actually two jokes in one because i don't have a phone)

My wife was found guilty of manslaughter today. The judge sentenced her to seven years. I begged him to reconsider but he told me he couldn't extend it.

2 men standing at a bar of a Country Club.One says to the other "I'm a country member" Other says "I remember"

I do know Jack Shit and he's a very nice man

A man walks over to a women in a bar & asks "What's your name" The women replies "Carmen,because I like cars & men,what's yours" "Beercunt" he replies.

I met this girl at a club last night, She said she was game - so I shot her.

Apparently, every ten seconds there's a woman giving birth.... surely she must be found and stopped.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.