Jokes

Last night I slept like a baby...woke up every 30 minutes crying.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

I forgot how to throw a boomerang. Then it hit me.

making jokes about people with no upper limbs is just a bit of 'ARMLESS fun!

What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex ? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

i've got a joke about marmite that half of you will like

A fella goes to the doctors and says, "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" Replied to doc. "Look, I didn't come here to have the micky taken," the bloke snaps

This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me". He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone". The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this." The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a £5 note and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.

Tell her that the £5 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you." The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out." The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk." She says " Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt." He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a £5 note in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself" She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a £10 note" He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too".

(19-07-2011 20:39 )Boomerangutangangbang Wrote:  My wife said "why's the laptop all sticky" I said "it's not what you think it's" she said "how did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop" I said "it's not easy eating ice cream while your having a wank"

Should be forwarded on to CW, he would love this!!!

(18-07-2011 23:39 )whoopah Wrote:  your mum is so fat, she caused the japan tsunami after going swimming

Last year I was so fat I had a part-time job bump starting Jumbo Jets........
I bent over to pick something up off the floor and there was a Solar Eclipse all over Norfolk.........

P.S. I did something about the above and in the last year have lost 7 stones. But if you cant laugh at yourself there is something wrong

P.P.S. I was on Cromer Beach last year and suddenly all these Greenpeace supporters turned up and tried to refloat me.........

I was on holiday in Spain and it was hot so I popped into a bar for a beer. As I was Sipping, I noticed these large bull horns on the wall. I called the waiter over and asked him about them. He said: "They killed my father." I asked "Was he a bull fighter?" He replied "No, He was having a beer and they fell on him."

Just got back from a safari holiday. I tried to bring a young cheetah back in my suitcase. Customs thought I was pulling a fast one.

An ex-girlfriend I had recently dumped got her revenge by burning all my shoes. It was sole destroying.