Jokes

Your mum is so big, She got run over the other day. the driver said he could've got round her but did'nt think he had enough petrol.

Your Mum is so ugly, Bob the Builder looked at her and said "I can't fix that!"

(16-07-2011 23:36 )iamthatjack Wrote:  Your Mum is so ugly, Bob the Builder looked at her and said "I can't fix that!"

I like it

I went to a fancy dress party last Saturday and a girl was stark naked apart from black gloves and black ankle boots. Puzzled, I asked her what she'd come as. She put her hands above her head and said "The five of spades"!!

Your mum is so fat, She's got more chin's than a Hong Kong phone book.

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter paradise. They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. ‘I want to be gorgeous,’ and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, ‘I want to be gorgeous too.’ Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: ‘Make ’em all ugly again.’

Your Mum so stupid, she tried to put her M&Ms in alphabetical order

Your Mum is so stupid, she put paper on the television and called it ''paper view''

(with acknowledgements to the original story teller)

Stupid People should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm stupid."

That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California, our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.

My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, You moving?"

"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week just to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock says, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"

"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel, there was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. There's only one way to test that.... "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good....they want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."

"Well, all right...hold my sign, I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I was home I was driving around and got a flat tire. I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations, the attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"

I couldn't resist I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago, a guy came over to the house, drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!"

See... If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

Know anyone who needs a sign?

My local butcher put up a sign saying he was looking for a mincer, next day he had 100 people turn up doing Larry Grayson impressions

(17-07-2011 00:00 )mr williams Wrote:  ...

That's Bill Engvall's material from The Blue Collar Comedy Tour!

One of my favourites of his ''here's you signs'' is:

I was driving through town, and I gotta pass through an underpass at one point in my journey, but when I got there, I saw a truck was in it, he thought he could make it through, but his truck was just too tall for it and it got stuck in it .

So I get out of my car and start talking to the truck driver, and before I can stop myself I say: ''Hey, did you get your truck stuck?''

Quick as can be, he comes back with: ''Nope, was delivering that there bridge and ran outta gas!''

Here's MY sign!