Jokes

Two women walking down the street and bump into two tampons.

One woman says "Why don't we use them?"

The other woman replies "They're two stuck-up c®©ts!"

A man and wife are at a volleyball game when they notice a very affectionate couple who are running their hands over each other passionately. "I don't know wether to watch them or the game" says the man. "Watch them!" says the wife, "You already know how to play volleyball."

My lesbian neighbours gave me a Rolex last night.
I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanted to watch".

Police were called to a disturbance at the British Gurning Championships. A spokesman said: "Things turned very ugly"

Noah's diary: Day 39.
Unicorn pie is delicious!

How do you make a flea circus?
You have to start from scratch.

Breaking news: a dwarf clairvoyant has escaped from the mental hospital.

The police have warned that there's a small medium at large.

I bought the mother-in-law some crotchless knickers for her birthday. It was nothing sexual - I just wanted to give her a better grip on her broomstick.

I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and said, "You remind me of my little toe."
She said, "Is that because I'm small and cute?"
I replied," No, it's because I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table."

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband? " he asked. "He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am. ""Really? " the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say? "

Wife: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night? "
Husband: "Golfing with friends, my dear. "
Wife: "What? At 2 a. m.?!"
Husband: "Yes, We used night clubs."

A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words: "hiss and hearse"..... (sorry!)

Woman walking out of a supermarket, struggling to carry her grocery's. 6 eggs and a bottle of tomato sauce fall from her bag and smash on the pavement. She is standing looking at the mess when a priest comes over and puts his hand on her shoulder and say's, "Take heart my dear, it wouldnt have lived anyway"