Jokes

A doctor is making his rounds at a mental home when he comes across a room with two new patients in it. One patient is sawing an imaginary plank of wood in half while the other is hanging from a roof beam. "What's your friend doing up there?" asks the doctor. "He thinks he's a lightbulb" replies the patient. "Shouldn't you get him down?" says the doctor, "he might hurt himself." "What?!" says the patient, "and work in the dark..?"

Barry the builder says to a girl in a club, "I've got an eight-inch penis and I can last all night"
The next morning, she says to him, "You told me you had an eight-inch penis and could shag all night. It's barely five inches and you only lasted three minutes!"
Barry replies, "What did you expect, love? I'm a builder-that was just my estimate"

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: " Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes ! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you ! Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you ! This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you ! "


His wife responds: " He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too ! "

Why is the penis so depressed? His closest friends are two nuts who live next to an arsehole.

A young boy is raiding the freezer for some ice cream when his mother catches him. "Put that ice cream back" she scolds. "Dinner is only an hour away." "But I'm bored" says the boy, "I've got no-one to play with." His mother replies "alright, I'll play with you for a few minutes. What do you want to do?" "I want to play mummies and daddies" says the boy. "But you have to sit in that chair and be mummy." His mother does so and then says "So now what? Are you going to be daddy?" "Yes" says the boy. He takes a deep breath and shouts "Now get off your fat arse you lazy cow and bring me some ice-cream!"

Offcom

Shark, Lobster, Crab, Scouser. Which is the odd one out ? The Shark, the other 3 wear shellsuits & pinch like fuck !

A copper comes up to me and says "My dog tells me your on drugs"
So I reply "Me? Your the one with a talking dog"

A man goes into a barber's shop and notices a little dog is watching the barber intently. "That dog seems very interested in what you're up to" says the man. "He's hoping for a treat" replies the barber, sharpening his razor. "If I sneeze he sometimes gets a bit of ear"

Why is sex like KFC? Because when you finish with the breast and thighs all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.