Jokes

two aussies,bruce and shane fancy a pint but only have a quid between them
bruce says ive an idea,he goes to the butchers and comes out with a large sausage
shane says"are you mad?,now we have no money"
bruce replies" its ok just follow me
he leads shane into the nearest pub and orders 2 pints of fosters
before they pay,they down there drinks,then bruce puts the sausage thru
the zipper of his jeans and says"quick shane,get down on your knees and put it in your mouth"
the barman goes beserk and chucks them out
they repeat this at every pub,all for free
at the tenth pub shane says"i dont think i can do this anymore
im drunk and my knees hurt
bruce replies"how do you think i feel,i lost the sausage after the first pub

how do you embarrass an archaeologist?
give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from

what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
wiped his arse

two hookers were talking,the first one said"last night i made£500 and i feel like a bottle of champagne"
"well last night i made £5,000"said the second"and i feel like a pot of glue"

a new bride goes to her doctor for a checkup
lacking knowledge of the male body,she asks him
"whats that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"
the doc replied,"we call that a penis"
then she asks"whats that reddish-purple thing on the end of his penis?"
the doc replies,"we call that the head of the penis"
the bride then asks"what are those two round things about 15inches from the head of his penis?"
the doctor retorts"lady on him i dont know,but on me there the cheeks of my arse"

the day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident.
he was greeted by two grim faced policemen at his door
"mr jones we have some infomation about your wife"they said
the cops say"we have some bad news,some good news,and some really good news
so which do you want first?
fearing the worse,mr jones said"give me the bad news then
the cops say were sorry but this morning we found your wifes body in poole harbour
oh my god,said mr jones,but remembers there was some good news as well so asks for it
well said the cop"when we pulled her up she had two five pound lobsters and a dozen good size crabs on her
mr jones says"if that the good news?"whats the really good news?
were going to pull her up again tomorrow morning

Little lad and his dad out in the park one morning.
Walking along a path, a Butterfly flutters by and the little boy stamps on it with a popping sound. His dad is shocked and says "what you do that for?"
Little boy: "I don't like butterflies"
Dad: "Just for that, you're not having Butter on your bread for a week !"
Boy mutters: " I don't like butter anyway..."

A while later, a Honey Bee buzzes out of a hedge and the boy whacks it with his glove then stamps on it for good measure.
Dad: "Now what did you do THAT for ?"
Boy: " I don't like Bees"
Dad: " Just for that you're not having Honey on your toast for a month!"
Boy mutters: "still got marmite..."

They get home and the whole family is sat round the dinner table when a huge Cockroach runs out. The boys' mum screams and instinctively stamps on it...
The boy looks at his dad and says: " you gonna tell her or shall I ?"

hey stevesworld,great joke,i cudnt thank you twice so yul have to settle for a rep.best joke ive heard in a while.lol lol lol lmfo pmsl

little johnie an his grandad are in town one day,and grandad stops off for a pint
johnie says"grandad can i have a pint"
grandad:"can you make your willy bend round and touch yur arsehole?"
johnie:"no i cant"
grandad:"well until you can yur not drinking"

i little later grandad lights up a fag
johnie:"grandad can i have a fag?"
grandad:can you make yue willy band round and touch your arsehole?"
johnie:"no i cant"
grandad"well till you can you cant smoke"

much later there walking thru town and johnie finds£300 quid on the ground and pockets it
grandad asks"johnie are you gonna share that with yur grandad?"
johnie:"can you make yur willy bend round and touch yur arsehole?"
grandad:yes i can
johnie:well go and fuck yurself.

whats the difference between a pregnant woman an a lightbulb?
you can unscrew a lightbulb

a woman in court is charged with stealing a tin of peaches
the judge asks"how many peaches were in the tin?"
to which she replies"there were four"
the judge tells her she is to serve 1 month for each peach
as she is being led away her husband shouts out"and she stole a tin of peas"

The Husband Store.
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.