Jokes

Having sex is like playing bridge...........If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand

I don't know about bridge, but the poker-playing leper had lousy cards.....so he threw his hand in!

A man was caught chucking one off in a newsagents.
Apparently it's all over the papers..

Three Hells Angels go into a busy cafe. The only seats free are at a table for four where one little old lady is sitting quietly on her own. The Hells Angels look knowingly at each other. "We'll soon get rid of her" says one of them as they go and sit down next to her.

The 1st Hells Angel snarls: "My parents didn't get married until after they found out that my mum was pregnant"

2nd Hells Angel: "My parents didn't get married until after I was born"

3rd Hells Angel: "Huh, my paremts aren't even married!!"

The little old lady looks up at them and asks:

"Excuse me, will one of you little bastards pass the salt?"

Nine-year-old Katie learnt how to make fairy cakes in school, and decided to surprise her parents by making some at home. They were so pleased with her, and the cakes were lovely, apart from the silver hundreds-and-thousands on top which tasted...well....a little bit hard.

Upon further investigation it turned out that she'd accidentally picked up a box of ball bearings by mistake, and by next morning there was concern as the whole family were passing these through the various outlets of their systems. They phoned the doctor, who came around and said don't worry, they would do no harm and would come out naturally in a day or two.

However, Katie's 13-year-old brother locked himself away in his room and refused to come out or even talk to his concerned mother. Eventually he was persuaded to open the door and let the doctor in.

The doctor came out after a few minutes and asked to speak to the father in private. He said "your son is embarrassed because he had a wank for the first time last night". Dad assures the doctor that he'll have a fatherly talk with him.

All seems to be well when there is a scream from downstairs and Katie runs in sobbing: "SOMEBODY'S SHOT THE CAT!!!"

Good Old Ronnie Barker...Cinderella by a Spoonerism Sufferer

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and
a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny

This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."

Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!

After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"

To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."

A girl is going out with an Irishman, and one night after he's walked her home, she asks him if he'd like to come in for coffee. However, she explains that she lives with her parents and her dad gets a bit funny about her bringing blokes home so they'll have to be quiet.

So they're sitting in the lounge, and all is going well, until Paddy asks if he can use the toilet. "Oh buggar!" she says "the bathroom is right next to their bedroom...do you think you could go in the kitchen sink?"

"No problem", says Paddy, and he goes into the kitchen. A minute or two later he sticks his head around the door: "Got any paper?"

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Husband says to his wife "What would you do if I won the lotto?"
She says "I'd take half and leave you."
Excellent," he replies ""I won £10 - here's £5 - now fuck off!"

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"