Jokes

BP has eventually decided to send in the experts to fix the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, Paul Gascoigne arrives tonight with some beer, chicken & a fishing rod.

Two eggs are boiling in a pan, One says, "I've got a huge crack." The other replys, "Stop teasing me i'm not even hard yet."

A man finds an old bottle. He rubs it and is astonished to see a pixie emerge from it. "You look tense" says the pixie, "would you like a back rub?" The man replies "I'd really like a million pounds." The pixie says "I can't give you any money, but I can give you a back rub." The man says "well, how about a date with a playboy centerfold?" The pixie says "sorry, no dates. Now how about I work on those shoulders of yours?" The man replies "how about you make me taller? I've always wanted to be six foot six." The pixie replies "just lie down and I'll get started on your clavicles." The man says "hang on, whats with the back rubs? I thought genies were meant to grant three wishes?" Then the pixie says "Who said I was a genie? I'm a massage in a bottle"

Is it true that lesbians make malicious gossip just to get tongues wagging?

I had a girlfriend who had a very bad case of acne, with one enormous spot on the top of her forehead

Later that night we were in the back off my car. I had my hand up her blouse and felt that it was time to go further.
I whispered in her ear, " Can I sweeze your pussy?"
She said " yes", and then put her face forward !!!

If Mums have Mothers Day & Dads have Fathers day. What do single men have?..... Palm Sunday.

A woman suggests to her husband that she have surgery to make her breasts bigger. Her husband suggests she rub toilet paper between them instead. "How would that make my breasts bigger?" she asks. "I don't know" replies her husband "but it sure worked for your backside"

Did you hear about the man who's wife left him, Taking his Bob Marley CD's & his satellite dish?.... He had no woman no Sky.

I might set off a chain with this one???

Paddy & Murphy go up in a small plane. Murphy says. "If we go upside down do you think we'll fall out?" Paddy says. "Will we fuck, we've been mates for years."

A man goes to a travel agent to book the summer holiday. "Last year you sold me a holiday to Bermuda and my wife got pregnant" says the man. "The year before it was Monte Carlo and my wife was pregnant again. And the year before that it was Hong Kong and my wife got pregnant then aswell." The travel clerk sas "I see.. so what did you have in mind this year?" The man replies "somewhere cheaper..... so she can come with me for a change"

Paddy & Murphy walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They go over to the bird section & Murphy says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over & asks if he can help. "Yeah, we'll take 4 of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Murphy. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy & Murphy pay for the birds, leave the shop & get into Murphy's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Murphy looks down at the 1,000ft drop & says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes 2 birds out of the box, puts 1 under each arm & jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off & Murphy falls to his death. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head & says, "Fook dat, dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"