Jokes

A man is in a public toilet, and discovers there's no toilet paper. He calls to the next booth "do you have any toilet paper in there?" The man in the next booth says "no sorry". The first man then says "Ok do you have any newspaper?" The reply comes back "no, sorry, no newspaper either". Then the first man says "Ok... so could you give me two fivers for a ten?"

Reverend Joe Flapps sees a female church member drunk in a pub, he goes to take her home but falls & lands on top of her, the pub landlord says, "Oi you can't do that in here" the Reverend says "You don't understand, I'm pastor Flapps." The landlords says "Well if your that far in you may as well finish.

An amnesiac walks into a bar & says, "Do i come here often?"

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond....

By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade!

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

Just shagged a bird with a stutter. I was finished before she could say "No!"

A woman goes into a pharmacy and says "do you sell viagra?" "Yes" replies the pharmacist. The woman asks "does it work?" The pharmacist replies "certainly." Then the woman says "can you get it over the counter?" To which the pharmacist replies "Only if I take six..."

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay, He claims the Wii Gameboy he recieived wasn't quite what he was expecting.

HELP......does anyone know how to cancel an ebay bid? I made an offer for a mickey mouse outfit and now i am 6 minutes away from owning liverpool football club.

my apologies if any of these have already been posted.....

A woman walks into the store
and purchases the following: 1
small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of womens deodorant.
She then goes to the check out
line.
Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by
what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!

Three nuns were talking. The
first nun said, "I was cleaning in
Father's room the other day and
do you know what I found? A
bunch of pornographic
magazines." "What did you do?"
the other nuns asked. "Well, of
course I threw them in the
trash." The second nun said,
"Well, I can top that. I was in
Father's room putting away the
laundry and I found a bunch of
condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the
other nuns. "What did you do?"
they asked. "I poked holes in all
of them!" she replied. The third
nun fainted.

The angry wife met her husband
at the door. There was alcohol on
his breath and lipstick on his
collar. "I assume," she snarled,
"that there is a very good reason
for you to come waltzing in here
at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

Sitting at home one night with
his wife, a man is casually
tossing peanuts into the air and
catching them in his mouth. As
the couple take in the latest
episode of their favorite
program, the man loses
concentration for a split second,
and a peanut goes into his ear.
He tries to get it out, but
succeeds only in forcing the
thing in awfully
deep.
After a few hours of fruitless
rooting the couple decide to go
to the hospital, but on their way
out of the front door they meet
their daughter coming in with
her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of
the situation; he tells them he's
studying medicine and that
they're not to worry about a
thing. He then sticks two fingers
up the man's nose and asks him
to blow, and low and behold, the
nut shoots from the ear and out
across the room.
As the daughter and her
boyfriend go through to the
kitchen to get drinks, the man
and his wife sit down to discuss
their luck. "So" the wife says,
"what do you think he'll become
after he finishes school? A GP or
a surgeon?"
"Well says the man, rubbing his
nose, "by the smell of his fingers,
I think he's likely to be our son-
in-law."

A Polish immigrant in Britan decides to go for an eye test. After working his way down to the botton line of the chart - CZWIXNOSTACZ - the optitian says, "Well,can you read that?" "Read it" replies the Pole, "I went to school with his brother."

My Dad describes the weather in England as being like Muslims in Iraq. It's either Sunni or Shiite.

I've just watched the Saturday night movie on the Korean film channel. Turner eats Hooch.

I've got an idea for a new tv show. It involves Chris Tarrant being kidnapped & tortured by Fern Britton, It's called Britton's got Tarrent.

Not the best these.