Jokes

Beautician: "Did that mud pack i gave you for your wife improve her appearance ?""
Man: "It did for a while - then it fell off"

Did you hear about the granny who plugged her electric blanket into the toaster by mistake?
She spent most of the night popping out of bed.

Whats the similarity between a woman and a KFC ?

Once you've eaten the leg and breast all you're left with is a stinky greasy box to stick your bone in.

Whats the difference between pink and purple?

Your grip.

A man arrives at work looking very pleased with himself, his friend asked him why he was looking pleased with himself, swearing his friend to secrecy he preceded to tell him why
" whilst taking a short cut home over the railway last night, I found a girl tied to the railway track with a body of a goddess, so i untied her and took her home!"
"What happened then ? Asked his curious friend.
" I undressed her laid her on the bed, I went down stairs made myself a strong coffee and prepared myself for what was about to happen. I made my way upstairs I then undressed and had sex with her in every position imaginable!"
"What was her face like?" Asked his mate.
"Dunno couldn't find her head!"

Paddy and Murphy are walking through the jungle when from out of the undergrowth pops a crocodile with a human head sticking out of it's mouth. Paddy turns to Murphy and says "WOW, i really like that bloke's Lacoste sleeping bag"

Why did the bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a vibrator for her birthday ?
Because if she didn't like the slippers she could go fuck herself!

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
When his hand caught on fire.

Whats the difference between an Essex girl and a Boeing 747 ?
Thousands have boarded them both, but Essex girls have bigger flaps!

What's got two heads, six legs, a tail and a twat?
A policeman on horseback.

Edit.. The forum filter has edited the text! Where the i is on twit? the ( i ) should be an A.