Jokes

Statistics say women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms.
Men say, "Big fucking deal, try faking a relationship just for a shag!"

Why is the penis so depressed? His closest friends are two nuts who live next to an arsehole.

A man was paid a compliment the other day by his mother in law. She called him a perfect idiot.

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Whats the difference between a good friend and a best friend? A good friend is always ready to bail you out of jail. Your best friend is in the cell next to you saying "that was fun, let's do it again"

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake...the average person can't!

this is this cat
this is is cat
this is how cat
this is to cat
this is keep cat
this is a cat
this is retard cat
this is busy cat
this is for cat
this is forty cat
this is seconds cat...

Now go back and read the 3rd word in each line from the top down!

Yesterday i bought a dog from a blacksmith...


As soon as i got home, he made a bolt for the door!

My mate has just started dating a Czech girl, it took her 5 hours to hoover the house at the weekend...



..Turns out she's actually a Slo-Vak

A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge, he stops to try and make her change her mind.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Im committing suicide" she says.
"Well before you jump, you may aswell give me a blow job."
So she does and after she's finished the trucker says "Wow! That is a wasted talent. Why are you commiting suicide?"
"Because my parents dont like me dressing up as a girl!"

If you think life is bad, imagine being an egg....

You only get laid once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
You have to share your box with 5 other guys...

Worst of all...the only chick that ever sat on your face, was your mom!!!!

A surgeon was operating on a man when he slips and accidentally cuts the man's balls off. He quickly inserts 2 onions and sews his scrotum back up.
One month later the man goes back for a check up.
"Any problems?" asks the surgeon.
"A few," said the man "I cry when I piss, my wife gets heartburn after giving me a blowjob and I get a hard-on when I walk past a hot dog stand!"

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"

My Auntie had her left leg amputated last year, bless her, so I've bought her one of those prosthetic legs for Christmas.
It's not her main present though, just a stocking filler!

"The road to Good Intentions be paved with Hell"